Day 61. It has become 100% apparent to me that one of the
biggest reasons I drank was to dull physical pain. I have dealt with autoimmune
stuff for years, and I had a bad fall on ice about 3 weeks ago, which is still
causing me a lot of pain. Plus, I’m 100 lbs. overweight, and I work on my feet
as a chef, so that in itself is hard just because of my weight.
My knee is almost better, but my shoulder and neck and arm
on my left side are really fucked up. It’s almost impossible to raise my left
arm above my head due to pain. I have to lift very heavy pots with boiling soup
daily, so this is a problem. My left hip
area/lower back area is hurting a lot too. Being on my feet all day long really
makes that worse.
I caved and took Aleve yesterday; two in the morning and
one at night. This really fucks with my stomach, so I have to weigh the lesser
of two evils. Well, it didn’t completely
kill the pain, but it lessened it so much that I realized how horrible the pain
is.
I have to figure something out. I’m going to make an
appointment with my doctor and see if I can get a referral to physical therapy. I also need to get serious about my weight,
which is hard in early sobriety, but it is a quality of life and sobriety issue
if it causes me pain. I’m also going to get a referral so I can go back to a
Rheumatologist.
I love my job too much to consider something else. I need to
be in the kitchen, cooking. It’s what feeds my soul and makes me happy, but if
I can’t get my pain under control, I will start drinking for relief, and then I’ll
lose my job and my life will snowball into pure hell.
I look back at my past, when I was fully self –employed, and
would work super early in the morning so I’d be done by noon or 1. Then I’d buy
alcohol and drink myself numb. Both PHYSICALLY and mentally.
For a long time, I have pushed my physical pain aside, and
made myself believe it was because of drinking. It’s not. There’s another
reason, and if I’m totally honest with myself, I’ve had it since childhood.
