Outpatient Assessment Today

Today's the day. I'm nervous, but relieved. I have been drinking, but have been intentionally cutting down on the amount so I don't feel horrible withdrawal symptoms. I had three high alcohol beers yesterday.

I go to acupuncture before the assessment. I don't know if it helps or not, but anything that forces me to commit to being somewhere and forces me to figure out how to relax isn't a bad thing.

My heart is broken for the victims and families in Orlando.

So much hate.

"Be the change you wish to see."

Acupuncture

I am very fortunate to have access to Community Acupuncture.

My place charges $25 per session after a $40 initial consult/session fee.

I went this morning and was 100% honest with her. I didn't have to get into details of drinking and also talked about the extreme anxiety I feel all the time. I have severe PTSD as well, and was able to just tell her this without going into details. What a relief it is to be honest.

I hate sitting still, so it's really hard for me to just lay there while the needles are doing their thing. I also wish the needles hurt more, because I get more of an endorphin rush with the pain of the insertion and wish I could feel that stronger. (I'm weird, I know.)

Community acupuncture does their service in a main room after the consult. There were 4 other people, and that was strange and weird.

The woman said I should try to sit for at least 30 minutes and up to an hour with the needles in. I made it 45 minutes. I felt like a fucking caged animal, but I knew I would.

I have done private acupuncture in the past with good results.  I'm a talker, and I would talk with the person while the needles were in. That was much more comfortable for me.

....but I think I need to learn how to physically relax and learn how to JUST BE.

so this is good. I scheduled an appointment for myself for Monday afternoon at 2. I will try to stay for the entire hour.

My Outpatient intake is at 4:30. I plan on bringing a green smoothie and having it after the acupuncture, then driving and parking to the outpatient place, and taking a walk for 45 minutes to an hour between appointments.

I can do this.

What I hope to gain from sobriety

• Self respect
• Staying true to my word
• More time with my family (my adult children and extended family)
• Creativity
• Being able to follow through on projects I begin
• Friendship
• The ability to help others and/or animals through volunteering
• Health 
• Energy
• Weight Loss
• Rediscover my love of exercise
• The ability to handle things on a day to basis without turning to alcohol
• A really clean house
• Rediscovering my love of reading
• Rediscovering my love of learning
• My love of the outdoors
• Waking up with a clear head
• Deepening my relationship with my partner
• Figuring out my career path
• Being hydrated

Illusion and digging into the past.

The picture above was another picture I took which means a lot to me. It was taken not too long after 9/11 and the reflection reminded me of the towers. The actual structure has support beams which are lost in the reflection.

I've been going back in time. Thinking of my life. I have gone back years, to before my kids were born, and I realize that I have *NEVER* stopped trying to heal and be better.

I have fought so hard for so long. I am listening to old music; creating stations on Pandora, and when I hear the music, I am brought back in time. Every song has meaning and usually that meaning is me fighting fiercely for myself. For my ability to parent. For my ability to stay alive.

I am a trauma survivor. I have struggled (like so many of us) for so long, but I am not a bad person.

My actions are not actions I am proud of. I wish I could change things. If I knew HOW, I would have. I remember the saying Oprah made famous, "When you know better, you do better."

That always fucked with me, because I always KNEW BETTER. I knew I should be better. I knew there were better ways. I hated myself even more because I "Knew Better".. but did not DO better.

I have fought tooth and nail to figure out HOW to do better.

I knew better, I just haven't known how to DO BETTER despite trying harder and harder and harder for so many years.

I feel hope today at least. I feel like my isolation and shame has kept me from DOING better.

Such relief.

I took this picture years ago while going through an intense drinking binge.. At the time it represented me coming out and shining my light through the darkness that my life has been. 

I feel such a sense of relief now that I have made the official step towards treatment. It's like a million pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I am actually proud of myself for doing this. I am starting to feel like I can get my life back. I really hate the person I've become.

Hatred and bitterness consume me for myself and others, but mostly myself.

I am so grateful for the support I have from my boyfriend.

I am so grateful I started writing this blog and reading other sober blogs.

I am grateful I have community acupuncture; it's only $25 per session.

I am grateful that I am going to reach out and not be alone in my struggle.

I feel like I can breathe again.

Instead of trying harder, try something different.

This is my motto now.

I am fucking terrified and mortified, but I have an appointment for an intake for an outpatient treatment program on Monday.

The counselor suggested it to me, and I did not want to do it... but after deep searching and my inability to stay sober and worsening mental state, I can't continue to "TRY HARDER"..  if I want to live, I have to try something different.

My partner is fully supportive of me doing this. Putting work on the back burner for a bit so I can get healthy.

I have to realize the amazing gifts I have right now. The love and support of my partner. The fact I actually have some TIME to do this. I have insurance.

I'm scared, but I also feel like I may finally have a chance.

The biggest reason I didn't want to do this, was out of embarrassment and shame. I didn't want my doctor knowing or anyone, especially my insurance company.

I am scared of being outed by hackers.

How fucking ridiculous is it that I would rather DIE maybe than risk people knowing my secret.

This is insane. This is the disease of addiction.

OMG. I can't believe I did this.

Drinking, but also taking some action.

I've been drinking the last three days.

But I'm also taking action because I realize that I can not do this on my own. I need some support.

I have reached out for counseling and acupuncture.

I have appointments for both of them. I am going to be 100% honest.

I have been afraid of being honest due to shame and embarrassment, but also, if I fail at this, where do I go next?

I think I want the out and not being honest with people gives that to me.

I have been reading sober blogs and it is helping me so much. Even though I am drinking.

I have my first acupuncture appointment on Thursday. I had my first counseling appointment this morning.

We agreed that I would drink the rest of the alcohol in the house and that tomorrow is my new "quit" date.

At least she is realistic enough to know that I'm not going to come home and throw away the alcohol that is here, but I also promised her I would not stop and buy more. And I didn't.

I feel like instead of trying harder, I am trying something different.

Day 6 - Smoothie

I really wanted to drink this afternoon. Instead I made a smoothie that was so good I'm going to tell you all about it! 

It tastes like what I remember an Orange Julius tasting like. I used plain greek yogurt, orange juice concentrate, vanilla, ice, frozen banana and Truvia (stevia).  It's really high in potassium and vitamin C, which is good for those of us who have abused our bodies in the way I have. 

Day 5- Instead of trying Harder, try something Different.

I can tell today is going to be a very difficult day to stay sober. I will have to take it minute by minute, and of course, eat food and hydrate and get some exercise.

I have some work to do later this morning that will get me out of the house for 3 hours, but again, coming home will be triggering. I actually forgot to keep my money at home yesterday, but had NO desire to stop at the liquor store on the way home!

I will be working through lunch, so I plan on bringing a cooler with a sandwich to eat in the car on the way home.

My blood pressure has stabilized. My heart rate is good.

This morning, I was thinking of drinking and it actually took me a couple minutes to remind myself that my LIFE is at risk if I do. I really believe that, but I totally "forgot" it.

I went through hell on Friday drinking an entire bottle of vodka. I felt so out of control, and Saturday was so horrible. Why would I do that to myself again? I keep obsessing over this brand of beer that Whole Foods has for $11.99 a 6 pack with 9.1% alcohol.

I can do this I can do this. I can do this.

I was reading a sober blog yesterday and someone wrote something like, "instead of trying HARDER, try something DIFFERENT." I would link to it, but I was on my phone when I read it and I'm at my computer now. I will come back and link to it.

That really resonated with me. So much ABOUT ALMOST EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE.

Especially my career. I have been doing some of the same old or similar things I've always done to bring business, and it's just not working. In some ways, maybe it's a blessing, because I've been such a fucking drunk that I may have ruined any chances, although I kind of ruined a chance a couple weeks ago.

My something different when it comes to my career right now has to be making sobriety my number one priority.

My creativity flows when I am sober. It also flows when I am drinking, which is why it's been hard for me to stop (well one of the reasons).. but the flow when I'm drinking is just that.. all flow, and no follow through.

I can get that amazing creativity back when I'm sober plus the energy and ability to actually follow through with it.

If that's not a reason to stay sober today, then I must not want to succeed.

I am afraid of success. So cliche, but so true. I don't feel like I deserve to succeed. I am an impostor. I don't know as much as I act like I do, and usually go into situations pretending.. it usually works out for me, and then when things get really good, I sabotage everything.