Day 9 : Liver panel results.

I finally faced my fear of getting the liver panel done.

My enzymes are elevated, but not very much. Most are normal, but my AST was 70 (high end should be 56).

I have an appointment with a new primary care doctor a week from today for a full physical and to discuss the liver results.

The test was done at the hospital where I'm attending OP and Nurse Practitioner was the one to go over the results with me.

I can't tell  you how relieved I am. I have literally spent the past TWO YEARS in fear that I had given myself cirrhosis... and you'd think that fear would be enough to make someone now drink, but it just didn't work that way.

I am learning a lot more about HOW alcoholism is a brain disease. Not a moral failing.

The NP suggested Clonidine for anxiety and PTSD symptoms, so I started taking it yesterday and OMG..  IT WORKS! It reduces adrenaline in your body. I am so grateful that I said yes to it.

The drinking has been my medicine for anxiety and it backfired big time. I even slept a little better last night (I think I got a whole 5 1/2 hours!)

Day 7

Quick check in. I made it a week! My OP is going well.

I'm starting to feel less overwhelmed and more at peace. It is very helpful to be around people who understand.

Day 6

I went to AA before the outpatient program yesterday. I hid in the back. A woman came over and introduced herself to me and gave me her phone number.

I was very overwhelmed and wanted to leave the entire time. 

Then I went to the outpatient program (OP). 

It did not go well. I hate almost every minute of it. I felt so overwhelmed and so overstimulated being around so many people and having to sit there in a chair all day. 

I wanted to leave at lunch and just go get a hotel and drink myself to death.

But I stayed. And then I had my one on one with the therapist and everything was just one big, fat, triggered mess. 

But...  no one said this is easy. 

When I got home around 3:15, I literally felt like I had been run over by a truck. I could barely hold my head up. I felt a level of exhaustion that I rarely feel. 

I had a nightmare last night and then I couldn't fall back asleep for three hours. 

I did not go to AA this morning. I just can't deal with it. I'm supposed to go to a meeting a day in addition to the OP, but I have a feeling there will be on AA today, because based on how I'm feeling now, I can't even imagine being around anyone. 

I am going to my OP program though I am committed to that, and hopefully, tomorrow, I can make the 7 am AA meeting. 

I told my counselor some very deep, dark secrets yesterday. Things I have never told ANYONE. 

I've been shaking ever since. 

The anxiety is so incredibly overwhelming.

I know that this is normal, because at the meeting yesterday, people talked about feeling like this and it will pass.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to go on Naltrexone to help with the cravings and to block my opioid receptors (so that I will not get drunk even if I drink.) 

Day 5

Today is my first day of outpatient treatment. I'm going to hit a 7 am AA meeting before I go. One requirement for IOP (intensive outpatient program) is to attend meetings.

I am not sleeping well, but that's nothing new. I'm hoping sobriety will help with the sleeping issues.

I am feeling better psychologically today. And physically so far, I think.

Yesterday, I literally did nothing expect sit in front of my computer, read, and watch TV. I drank a lot of tea and ate three meals.

I've decided that it's OK. As long as I don't drink, Not drinking is pretty much my only focus right now. If I can get that down, then everything else will fall in place, or I'll have the mental and physical energy to figure things out.

Day 4

I HATE BEING SOBER.

The compulsion to drink is so strong. I just have to get through today, and tomorrow I will be in my first day of outpatient.

I know this feeling is normal.

Today is day 4. Fuck day 4.

I should eat some breakfast. Eating 3 meals a day is key.

I'm going to a women's meeting today at 2 pm.

I didn't go to a meeting yesterday. I laid around all day escaping into my book.

The day is victorious if I stay sober. That's all I have to do.

What a self indulgent fucking pathetic asshole I am.

Day 3 - home.

I stayed at the hospital until around 7 last night. They gave me some medication to calm me down and lower my blood pressure. They gave food and water. I was in the hallway of the ER most of the time. The people were really nice though.

The system is so broken. They finally found me a bed 90 minutes away from where I was. I could not drive myself because I was on the ativan. I spoke with the intake person on the phone and she was totally confused why I was coming when I had been sober for 48 hours. I told her I didn't quite understand myself why.

I asked the ER doctor if he thought I was medically stable enough to go home and he said yes, and that he would give me medical clearance. There needs to be better communication between the outpatient team, because I KNOW FOR  FACT they never said I had to be alcohol free for 4 days. Only that I had to be "sober" and not in withdrawal.

Yesterday, the doctor agreed that I was most likely experiencing panic instead of withdrawal, because even though I was nervous when I walked into the outpatient room, my hands weren't shaking, my heart wasn't pounding, and I was sweating. I became almost instantly hysterical when he told me I couldn't be in the program.

I begged him. I told him I needed this.. that I was scared I would drink if I didn't have this structure today. That I had planned from 3:30 pm that day all through the weekend with structure. He told me to go to detox then, "or just go home this weekend and not drink. - If you can't pull that off you need detox".

My old self would have been like FUCK YOU ASSHOLE... see what happens when I ask for help? ... but I was in such a terrorized place mentally that I really was not sure what I would be capable of if I left and started drinking. My suicidal ideation has been constant over the last month. I think I maybe have drank so much and then went out into dangerous neighborhoods to get someone to beat me up. That's how self destructive I am. Either that or just bypassed the beer all together and chug vodka until I die.

So, I chose life. I chose the ER. I came back to where I'm staying (I'm out of the hotel) and had a kind of decent night sleep (probably due to the ativan). Now I have to take an uber to get my car at the hospital.

I'm going to go to an AA meeting today.

Monday morning at 9, I start the outpatient program. I'll bet the guy thinks he will never see me again. I wasn't rude to him or anything, I was just out of my mind hysterical.

Detox

Well, I was not allowed into the program. They said I needed to be sober for 4 days. I freaked out and started crying. He said I needed to either be medically cleared by detox services or go home and not drink all weekend and come back Monday.

I got so pissed and discouraged... But I decided to so the detox thing. Because I didn't feel safe going home. I went into a horrific mental space and thought I might hurt myself.

So, I'm on the ER waiting for detox services people to show up.
I am serious about getting sober. In the past o would have been reactive and drank. Not this time. If you don't here from me for a couple days that's why.
I thought being sober for 38 hours would have been ok.

Day & 1st day of outpatient treatment.

I managed to stay sober yesterday. It was not a good day. I am so depressed. It is chemical and situational, but I keep reminding myself of the scientific reasons my brain is freaking out. It's going to take a long time for me to feel better on a physiological level.

The withdrawal and panic was so bad yesterday. I feel better today withdrawal wise.

It's 5:30 AM and I'm leaving at 7 for my first day of outpatient treatment. I'm also checking out of the hotel - $1300 later. oy. The last week has been important for me, so it is what it is.

I have a potential really exciting business/community project that I really want to pursue, but I know nothing will get done unless I get sober. I was supposed to meet with my potential partner today and then again on Monday, but that is not going to be possible. I was freaking out about what to tell her, so I almost just told her the truth. She knows about my break up situation and I told her that I need to spend the next several weeks getting myself some mental health treatment to work through some personal things. SHE WAS SO SUPPORTIVE.

I am so mentally and physically exhausted. I get an average of 4 hours of sleep a night if I'm lucky. The health issue I'm dealing with also causes some exhaustion and depletion, then add the alcoholism to that.. wow. Bodies are amazing. I have trashed mine for so long.

My SIL and I are going to start a super healthy eating regime this weekend. I'm going to do all the cooking for both of us. I have, however, given myself permission to have a pint of Ben and Jerry's Pumpkin Pie ice cream when I make it to a week sober.

I'm going to be saving so much money not drinking. Around $400-500/month. Holy shit. I have put a lot of it on credit cards. I'm going to have a little bit of a mess on my hands to deal with, but as long as I'm sober, I can face life.

Day 1.

UUGGGHHH. I'm so hungover and in withdrawal. I'm at the hotel. Tomorrow is the first day of the program. Today is my Day 1 AGAIN. I know if I drink today, I will not go tomorrow. So, I'm sucking it up and dealing with it.

I can do this. I'm drinking tons of chamomile tea and trying to eat.

I feel like I should be in detox. I will find out tomorrow when I go to my first day if I'm stable enough to start without detox first. I've felt like this before and have been OK..  I know a lot of it is electrolyte imbalance and major dehydration, so I'm going to get some nu-salt and mix it with water and my magnesium powder, and focus on drinking a lot of water, tea and maybe some grape juice over ice.

I almost went and got alcohol, but I ate instead and so far have drank 6 cups of water and two cups of tea and I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better.