The picture above was another picture I took which means a lot to me. It was taken not too long after 9/11 and the reflection reminded me of the towers. The actual structure has support beams which are lost in the reflection.
I've been going back in time. Thinking of my life. I have gone back years, to before my kids were born, and I realize that I have *NEVER* stopped trying to heal and be better.
I have fought so hard for so long. I am listening to old music; creating stations on Pandora, and when I hear the music, I am brought back in time. Every song has meaning and usually that meaning is me fighting fiercely for myself. For my ability to parent. For my ability to stay alive.
I am a trauma survivor. I have struggled (like so many of us) for so long, but I am not a bad person.
My actions are not actions I am proud of. I wish I could change things. If I knew HOW, I would have. I remember the saying Oprah made famous, "When you know better, you do better."
That always fucked with me, because I always KNEW BETTER. I knew I should be better. I knew there were better ways. I hated myself even more because I "Knew Better".. but did not DO better.
I have fought tooth and nail to figure out HOW to do better.
I knew better, I just haven't known how to DO BETTER despite trying harder and harder and harder for so many years.
I feel hope today at least. I feel like my isolation and shame has kept me from DOING better.
Your post really resonated with me. 9/11 was when my drinking really started on a daily basis. My husband and my dad were there (they were unharmed physically) and obviously, was really a life changer for our family...nevermind all of our friends who lost loved ones...and there were many many funerals we went to...especially my husband and father. That is the very first time that I ever drank during the day. All of the stress afterwards had me drinking a lot every night..and I never stopped...until now. I also knew better...I just chose not to do anything about it! until now. Maybe it's time to forget your isolation and shame. Maybe just forge forward........work on those things after you have some major sobriety time under your belt!!! You can do better just by quitting drinking! xo
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