First Post: Not sober.

My first post and I'm not even sober. I hate myself. I've hated myself for so long. Decades.

I want to love myself. I am searching and striving to BE what I can be.

I have so much to live for and so much to strive for.

I thought it was a matter of life and death 10 years ago, but I have carried on.

It has to be close to life and death now.

I am scared of seeing my doctor.

I need to make an appointment for blood work, but I am putting it off.

I am almost 50. I've been an alcoholic since the age of 25.

I have so many regrets.

They are killing me. My regrets.

Raising my kids as an alcoholic.

I love and loved them so much, but I was never able to actually BE there for them and stop drinking.

This is part of what kills me today.. and that seems and *IS* so self indulgent.

Every time I stop... I start again because I can NOT stand the all encompassing guilt and hatred I feel for myself.

From the outside, I SEE how crazy this cycle is.