Day 5- Instead of trying Harder, try something Different.

I can tell today is going to be a very difficult day to stay sober. I will have to take it minute by minute, and of course, eat food and hydrate and get some exercise.

I have some work to do later this morning that will get me out of the house for 3 hours, but again, coming home will be triggering. I actually forgot to keep my money at home yesterday, but had NO desire to stop at the liquor store on the way home!

I will be working through lunch, so I plan on bringing a cooler with a sandwich to eat in the car on the way home.

My blood pressure has stabilized. My heart rate is good.

This morning, I was thinking of drinking and it actually took me a couple minutes to remind myself that my LIFE is at risk if I do. I really believe that, but I totally "forgot" it.

I went through hell on Friday drinking an entire bottle of vodka. I felt so out of control, and Saturday was so horrible. Why would I do that to myself again? I keep obsessing over this brand of beer that Whole Foods has for $11.99 a 6 pack with 9.1% alcohol.

I can do this I can do this. I can do this.

I was reading a sober blog yesterday and someone wrote something like, "instead of trying HARDER, try something DIFFERENT." I would link to it, but I was on my phone when I read it and I'm at my computer now. I will come back and link to it.

That really resonated with me. So much ABOUT ALMOST EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE.

Especially my career. I have been doing some of the same old or similar things I've always done to bring business, and it's just not working. In some ways, maybe it's a blessing, because I've been such a fucking drunk that I may have ruined any chances, although I kind of ruined a chance a couple weeks ago.

My something different when it comes to my career right now has to be making sobriety my number one priority.

My creativity flows when I am sober. It also flows when I am drinking, which is why it's been hard for me to stop (well one of the reasons).. but the flow when I'm drinking is just that.. all flow, and no follow through.

I can get that amazing creativity back when I'm sober plus the energy and ability to actually follow through with it.

If that's not a reason to stay sober today, then I must not want to succeed.

I am afraid of success. So cliche, but so true. I don't feel like I deserve to succeed. I am an impostor. I don't know as much as I act like I do, and usually go into situations pretending.. it usually works out for me, and then when things get really good, I sabotage everything.