Day 4.

I usually drink on day 4. It's a pattern of mine. After three days, I'm usually feeling pretty good, my mind is nice and clear and I feel like my old self, so naturally, I want to drink.

Today I plan on combating that by eating healthy food. Drinking green smoothie and seltzer.

I have to do some work early afternoon, so I know my trouble time will be on the way home from work.

I plan on not bringing any money or debit/credit cards with me.

Yesterday, I was thinking so much about my drinking history. It's horrifying actually, and I'm lucky that I am alive. I'm lucky I'm not in jail. I used to drive drunk all the time years ago. I am so grateful I never hurt or killed anyone in an accident.

The shame we feel as women alcoholics, or should I say, the shame I feel as a woman alcoholic is so intense.

"I am forgiven. I forgive myself."

I had a great day with my partner yesterday. We goofed around and laughed a lot. I really love that man. So much.

I have decided that the next year is going to be spent with sobriety as my number one focus. Without that, I won't have anything else.

Getting my mental and physical health back is what I need to do. Regardless of what happens in my career, this has to be my #1. This is the ONLY thing that will actually HELP my career. Well, that and gaining self confidence.

If I don't believe in myself, how in the world will anyone else?