AA... and relapse pondering.

I wish I could really pinpoint what led up to me drinking after almost or around 2 year sober years ago? Sadly, I can't even remember if I had two full years of sobriety or if I drank before I hit that mark? I think I drank very close to the two year anniversary.

What I do remember, is that I woke up that morning like everything was normal, but on the way home, I was struck with a craving like I hand't had for a long time. I drove to the liquor store and bought a 12 pack of Red Hook IPA. It felt surreal. I knew I could stop it at any time.

I got home, and started drinking, and drank the entire 12 pack by noon the next day, and it was like I had never stopped.

I feel like there was a trigger, but I have no idea what that was. I'm not sure if I don't know because I have damaged my brain or I am skilled with repression... Knowing what I know today, it is probably a mixture of the two.  I remember waking up feeling so sick.. and also the craving was back 100%.

The way I go about getting my drink on is nothing new. It was nothing new then, and it's nothing new today.

The rituals are strong. I see myself falling back into the worst of the worst... taking the empties and bagging them up to throw away in public trash cans so no one at home has an idea of how much I'm drinking.

At my very worst, I would need at least 5 days to plan ahead so I could be free of alcohol withdrawal. I am not even sure where I am now, because I can't seem to make it past day 2... which really happers my ability to be successful in any business adventure. Today was day 2, and I have to stop at the liquor store to buy beer and nips on the way home from work.

I digress... if only I could remember what lead me to drinking years ago?" The ability to pinpoint the exact moment I made the decision is there. I remember it in slow motion ....

I guess, it doesn't matter now. The fact is that I did not create a support system for myself. I could have. I did it all on my own. If I had someone to call when I felt like this... someone to be accountable to... I doubt I would have picked up...   I despise a lot of AA stuff because of religion, but I also know that I can choose to use the group as a higher power and it's a cop out to discount it...  it has worked for me in the past, and I know it can work for me again. I have such a romantic view of the AA I grew up in... as a teen. In a small town. AA there saved my life.... and yes, I was in AA as a teen. I went to my first meeting at the age of 13.

When is enough enough?

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to live.

I have so much to live for.

Why can't I do this?

I can. I just don't do it. I have the tools and I know I can create a support system.

I am shocked I'm still alive.

I hate alcohol.

I hate being an alcoholic.

I hate having no control.

I hate that I am letting it steal everything from me.

My god... this has to end.