I wish I could really pinpoint what led up to me drinking after almost or around 2 year sober years ago? Sadly, I can't even remember if I had two full years of sobriety or if I drank before I hit that mark? I think I drank very close to the two year anniversary.
What I do remember, is that I woke up that morning like everything was normal, but on the way home, I was struck with a craving like I hand't had for a long time. I drove to the liquor store and bought a 12 pack of Red Hook IPA. It felt surreal. I knew I could stop it at any time.
I got home, and started drinking, and drank the entire 12 pack by noon the next day, and it was like I had never stopped.
I feel like there was a trigger, but I have no idea what that was. I'm not sure if I don't know because I have damaged my brain or I am skilled with repression... Knowing what I know today, it is probably a mixture of the two. I remember waking up feeling so sick.. and also the craving was back 100%.
The way I go about getting my drink on is nothing new. It was nothing new then, and it's nothing new today.
The rituals are strong. I see myself falling back into the worst of the worst... taking the empties and bagging them up to throw away in public trash cans so no one at home has an idea of how much I'm drinking.
At my very worst, I would need at least 5 days to plan ahead so I could be free of alcohol withdrawal. I am not even sure where I am now, because I can't seem to make it past day 2... which really happers my ability to be successful in any business adventure. Today was day 2, and I have to stop at the liquor store to buy beer and nips on the way home from work.
I digress... if only I could remember what lead me to drinking years ago?" The ability to pinpoint the exact moment I made the decision is there. I remember it in slow motion ....
I guess, it doesn't matter now. The fact is that I did not create a support system for myself. I could have. I did it all on my own. If I had someone to call when I felt like this... someone to be accountable to... I doubt I would have picked up... I despise a lot of AA stuff because of religion, but I also know that I can choose to use the group as a higher power and it's a cop out to discount it... it has worked for me in the past, and I know it can work for me again. I have such a romantic view of the AA I grew up in... as a teen. In a small town. AA there saved my life.... and yes, I was in AA as a teen. I went to my first meeting at the age of 13.
I often wonder why I drank in the first place too, but you are right it doesn't matter. What matters is now, however I daresay we drank once or twice and it made us feel better. We learned that this is what makes us feel better, so we did it when ever we wanted to feel good. Misguided, yes, but good intentions nonetheless. Now we are older we know better. Alcohol does not make us feel better, we do it out of ingrained habit/addiction. We know there is another option and a better way to live.
ReplyDeleteIt does make me feel better.. WHILE I'm drinking... but not in the long run. I am not present in my life at all. Thank you for the comment. I definitely know better.
DeleteI completely understand your feelings on the wonderful and sucessful AA. It just didn't work for me, I felt like I wasn't part of the club. That I couldn't just say "hey it's not me it's the drink". the real problem is that it WAS me. My anxiety, my not growing up emotionally, my cop out on life - that's what started this drinking and then drinking and then drinking.
ReplyDeleteI agree that you need some sober tools in place to guard you and guide you from just turning slightly right or slightly left into the bottle store carpark.
It is not a judgement but a suggestion that once we stop drinking we should maybe try to figure out why the hell we are drinking in the first place. if we don't figure this out the first time round, then we just missed the mark. it doesn't mean we fucked up, we just need more time to work on ourselves
Love M xx
Thank you M... I know why I'm drinking... I didn't know before, but I do now. I want to block out life. I want to block out my past. I want to numb myself 100%. I want to feel relaxed. I know there are ways to do this sober. I have done it before. uugggh... thank you for the comment. I know it's so much easier to just "cop out" and numb out.
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