Mindful drinking.

OK, so not really. I am just going to attempt to be mindful at the moment. And I am drinking. I hear:

• Kids playing outside.
• Bird chirping.
• The neighbors lawn mower.
• The keyboard as I'm typing.
• Neighbors talking.

I feel:

• Slightly sick to my stomach.
• Hungry.
• My body hurts. My hands and wrists and elbows. 
• My right ankle/shin is buzzing like a cell phone has been imbedded in my shin.
• anxious
• somewhat numb to the pain and anxiety
• aware of the contradiction 
• relieved that I know that right now I am drunk and I can not do anything else like drive or leave the house
• like a weight has been partially lifted off my shoulders. 
• My liver hurts and is swollen.
• Resentful thinking of my partner returning home and wanting me to do go out for the day with them. 
• Relieved that I know I will not have to go and face the Fourth of July party.
• Pissed at myself because I am refusing to engage with my partner and open myself up to friends. 
• I acknowledge that I do not fucking give a shit about the people my partner wants me to associate with. I've tried in the past and it's boring, and really disappointing.. over and over again. No common ground no matter how much I extend myself and try to create conversation. Selfish people. 
• I want to connect with people so much. I don't seem to be able to.
• I am fucking broken.
• I am lonely.
• I am dying.
• I will die from this.
• I don't know how to change.
• I feel alone in a crowd.
• I want to sleep, but never can.
• Drunk.
• Not drunk enough.
• There is no such thing as drunk enough.
• One is too many, 1000 is never enough.
• I know I need a long time sober before I can really see what is real and is not. 
• Even though I was sober and trying to connect with the BF's "community"..  that never happened.. and I tried, so I don't think sobriety will help there.