Day 6

I went to AA before the outpatient program yesterday. I hid in the back. A woman came over and introduced herself to me and gave me her phone number.

I was very overwhelmed and wanted to leave the entire time. 

Then I went to the outpatient program (OP). 

It did not go well. I hate almost every minute of it. I felt so overwhelmed and so overstimulated being around so many people and having to sit there in a chair all day. 

I wanted to leave at lunch and just go get a hotel and drink myself to death.

But I stayed. And then I had my one on one with the therapist and everything was just one big, fat, triggered mess. 

But...  no one said this is easy. 

When I got home around 3:15, I literally felt like I had been run over by a truck. I could barely hold my head up. I felt a level of exhaustion that I rarely feel. 

I had a nightmare last night and then I couldn't fall back asleep for three hours. 

I did not go to AA this morning. I just can't deal with it. I'm supposed to go to a meeting a day in addition to the OP, but I have a feeling there will be on AA today, because based on how I'm feeling now, I can't even imagine being around anyone. 

I am going to my OP program though I am committed to that, and hopefully, tomorrow, I can make the 7 am AA meeting. 

I told my counselor some very deep, dark secrets yesterday. Things I have never told ANYONE. 

I've been shaking ever since. 

The anxiety is so incredibly overwhelming.

I know that this is normal, because at the meeting yesterday, people talked about feeling like this and it will pass.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to go on Naltrexone to help with the cravings and to block my opioid receptors (so that I will not get drunk even if I drink.)