Day 35: Willingness

It has been pointed out to me that urges to drink are just feelings and feelings come and go.

The last two days, I've had urges to drink. I realize I need to up the ante and attend face to face meetings. AA, SMART Recovery... anything is better than nothing.

So much of the first month was just getting used to breathing in this world without alcohol. Literally.

I can tell that my sobriety is in danger if I don't create a real life support system.

Willingness in my word of the year.

Willing to go to any lengths to get sober.

Am I? I sure hope so.

I don't know why I'm so reluctant. I went to several meetings before I moved. I am not longer totally overwhelmed by people or overstimulated like I was in the beginning. That's why I had a rough time going then.

I moved Jan. 1st into an apartment. I'm starting a new job in a couple weeks. Things are looking up for sure!

I guess I feel just blah.

..but blah is OK. Sober is always better. Blah sober is awesome actually. So much better than drunk/hungover and so anxious I can barely leave the house.

Day 34.

Day 34. First, thanks for all the birthday wishes!  

Birthdays have been hard for me. Hell, all holidays are hard due to trauma and ptsd from growing up with a psychopathic father.

Yesterday wasn't hard. In fact, I had an amazing experience last night. First, I stayed home and was really happy about that. This is the first birthday where I haven't locked myself in my office and drank until I passed out, plagued with major suicidal thoughts.

I realized last night I felt sad. I was watching This is Us, which is an emotional show, and I just felt this overwhelming sadness. Normally when I feel sad, it immediately turns into intense self loathing and thought of "just kill yourself you stupid fucking bitch."

Last night I realized I just felt sad, with NO self loathing or kill yourself thoughts. And I remembered a couple months ago someone here posting about feeling sad and crying and how that was OK and she just gave herself permission to feel.

I felt sad for a while, but it was a beautiful sad because I wasn't fighting it or hating myself for it or beating myself up for my past mistakes. I laid there in bed, wrapped up in my electric blanket and inhaled my lavender oil and just felt stress start to leave my body.

I am 46 years old and for the first time in my life. I had a glimpse of what real acceptance feels like.

Maybe next year, I will even celebrate my birthday, but if I don't, that's OK too.