Day 34.

Day 34. First, thanks for all the birthday wishes!  

Birthdays have been hard for me. Hell, all holidays are hard due to trauma and ptsd from growing up with a psychopathic father.

Yesterday wasn't hard. In fact, I had an amazing experience last night. First, I stayed home and was really happy about that. This is the first birthday where I haven't locked myself in my office and drank until I passed out, plagued with major suicidal thoughts.

I realized last night I felt sad. I was watching This is Us, which is an emotional show, and I just felt this overwhelming sadness. Normally when I feel sad, it immediately turns into intense self loathing and thought of "just kill yourself you stupid fucking bitch."

Last night I realized I just felt sad, with NO self loathing or kill yourself thoughts. And I remembered a couple months ago someone here posting about feeling sad and crying and how that was OK and she just gave herself permission to feel.

I felt sad for a while, but it was a beautiful sad because I wasn't fighting it or hating myself for it or beating myself up for my past mistakes. I laid there in bed, wrapped up in my electric blanket and inhaled my lavender oil and just felt stress start to leave my body.

I am 46 years old and for the first time in my life. I had a glimpse of what real acceptance feels like.

Maybe next year, I will even celebrate my birthday, but if I don't, that's OK too.