This sounds crazy I'm sure, and I am not trying to justify anything. I am delving deep into my soul and who I am and now I work in order to heal myself.
Drinking has allowed me to focus.
It has also been the death of me when it comes to actually putting it all into a daily practice that will sustain life and liberty.
I am drunk now, and I feel like I can only reach my mind if I am relaxed enough to just sit here and type.
If I am going to get sober, then I have to find a way to be relaxed enough to live.
What I am feeling in my body right now... is total relaxation. My mind is quiet. I can hear the birds outside. I see the beautiful colors. I can BREATHE.
When I feel this way, I am able to plan. I have come up with some of my best ideas.
It also paralyzes me. I can only get so much done if I am drunk. My ideas have taken off.. but I have not been able to realize most of them.
I get this... but I feel if I am ever going to recover, then I have to acknowledge how much benefit I receive from drinking.
I have to find a way to replace that with something else.
Hi. I just found your blog via a comment you left on mine. (And thanks for that!) Even though this post isn't your most recent, I wanted to comment on what you're talking about here. It doesn't sound crazy at all to me. I think alcohol also allowed me to relax away from the grip of the overly busy world and be myself in a way that I wouldn't have otherwise. I used to do a lot of writing and only was able to do that when I drank, as otherwise I was too tense and distracted by my own tension. But after a while, I now see, drinking just took too much from me and made me more tense, and it had nothing left to give. It sounds like that where you are these days, too. I was able to find ways to relax into being myself, mostly via walking and cycling and some running, and some via just doing things I like doing without asking too much of myself. I just wanted to add that here in case it's helpful. You're not alone, and your experience sounds familiar to me. Wishing you all the best with this sober plan. Keep in touch! xo
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comment. Drinking is/has taken so much from me.. and I have in the past been able to find my happy place sober. Drinking has nothing left to give... that resonates with me so much.
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