Day 3 ... Jumped down the rabbit hole.

One step forward, two steps back. I really hope that Friday I hit my mental bottom.

I have been trying to figure out what is the most helpful for me when it comes to being sober, and sitting her at my computer is extremely unhelpful because this is where I do 99% of my drinking.

I drank so much (a fifth of vodka). I spent the day in a mental place that can only be described as insane. Suicidal. Convinced my partner was going to break up with me, feeling like my kids (they are grown) would be so much better off without me.

Every failure in my life was front and center. I got no psychological relief.

Saturday I was feeling HORRIBLE physically. I felt like a caged animal. I was in alcohol withdrawal. Shaky, sweaty. I self medicated with an old prescription of a beta blocker and checked my blood pressure/pulse all day long.

I was really afraid I might need to go to the hospital. The beta blocker did the trick. (I have a bit of medical training, but I KNOW that it's stupid to not get medical help for alcohol detox.)

I made the conscious decision to stay off the computer yesterday. I ate really healthy delicious food for breakfast and then FORCED myself to eat a big, healthy lunch. If I hadn't eaten yesterday, I am sure I would have drank. I thought my partner would be home all day, which is always helpful because I don't like to at least start drinking when he's here. Then around 2pm, he left for 3 hours to go hang with his friend. I was still full from lunch. That morning, I bought myself some fresh squeezed grapefruit juice and I drank that. I stayed downstairs and watched TV and walked on the treadmill, and around an hour later, I felt this calm take over my body and the urge to drink was gone for the rest of the day.

Thank you for checking in on me. That really touched my heart.

Today my partner is home all day, plus I have plans to go do a bit of work for someone tomorrow. I have books to read, a pool to go swim in and delicious food to cook. I managed to sleep in this morning! I am having my coffee now, but can tell I need to eat because I am craving. I let myself get SO HUNGRY on the days I drink . I usually go at least 18 hours without eating anything (except coffee and water) and then my blood sugar is so low and I drink high alcohol beer. (I am a beer snob, but frankly, the highest alcohol beers are the hipster microbrews and I love bitter IPA's). The beer I drink has an ABC of 8.5. Sometimes I add flavored vodka and diet soda to the mix or drink that instead.

I am sure I have messed up my blood sugar big time.

I just checked my blood pressure and it's normal. Normal pulse as well. Phew. I check myself every 3 hours on the days I'm not drinking to make sure I'm OK.

The one thing I really sense and realize from my  navel gazing about drinking and my life is how incredibly isolated I have made myself. I can't ask for help from anyone. Or I DON'T. I think the reason is because I know if I did, then I would be held accountable to some degree. I'm also so embarrassed.

I am terrified of telling any health professional because I don't want it in my records. I am so ashamed.