I failed at sobriety today. I think the whole diet thing fucked me up. I was counting on it to keep me sober, and even though I hadn't started it, the obsession was my downfall.
I spent hours calculating carb counts on an online forum. It seemed obvious to me (as a vegetarian and someone who hates eggs) that it would be impossible to do such a low carb diet "perfectly".
I guess there is some good to report. I managed to hold off my drinking while the craving was sooo strong.
In fact, I used coping skills that I planned on using, and REFUSED to use the ones that I knew would keep me from drinking. I was on my bed, reading my Kindle, and felt like I could totally do this.. but was so determined to DRINK that I threw it all away. I KNEW that I was able to move from task to task to busy myself..
Another thing I realized today. I should have just chilled out in front of the TV watching shows. I felt pathetic doing that, but in reality, if I had done that, I would probably not be drinking now.
Food is another thing. I barely ate breakfast, and then skipped lunch so I could "give myself the option" of drinking. I only like to drink on an empty stomach.
If I feed myself good, healthy food, I am much less likely to drink. It just does not have the same impact and is frustrating for me. Drinking on an empty stomach is how I achieve my happy place.
Of course, then I drink over 1000 calories of alcohol and am starving late at night, so I eat whatever I want.
No wonder I am 100 pounds overweight.
I hate that my partner has to deal with me.
I am a pathetic waste of human space.
... and I know I can be so much more. SO MUCH MORE. I can be a good partner. I have so much to offer when it comes to my work.
I have let my past and my trauma totally derail me.
This has to stop.
Hi ST...I saw your comment on my blog. Thank you! I just read your entire blog. First off, YOU ARE NOT A PATHETIC WASTE OF HUMAN SPACE! You are just someone who is struggling! I have felt like you sooooo often! It is the alcohol making you think that! Second, I think that you are doing too much at once! You are making it so much harder on yourself! I have tried dieting and quitting drinking together a gazillion times. Never made it past a Day 1! What I had never tried until now is just quitting drinking and NOT dieting. I thought I would lose weight. But so far nothing! Is it depressing? yes. But then I remember...I don't drink. Happiness!! When I feel I am in a more secure place with that, THEN I will try to lose the weight. Your weight will still be your weight whether you quit drinking or not. BUT, if you keep drinking you will most likely gain more. You are setting yourself up for failure by doing both together. Quit Drinking First! You might be one of the lucky ones in which the weight falls off. If it doesn't, then so be it! You will have a healthier liver. You can then, one day, work on a healthier weight!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the comment. I think you're right. Quitting drinking has to be my #1 priority.
DeleteAdding...I loved drinking on an empty stomach too. If you keep your stomach empty, it is a trigger!! So, don't diet now! Quit first! xo
ReplyDeleteYep.. it sure is. I see that very clearly now. It is a way of setting myself up to drink, because I won't drink if I eat breakfast and lunch. I should be grateful I have a tool that will help me so much.
DeleteHi! I wanted to chime in and agree with Sober@53 here. I don't think it's a great plan to try to do all that at once. Most people find that quitting drinking is pretty tough at first, and even people who are not big sugar eaters find themselves having huge sweets cravings for the first few months. And sure, you can sometimes use fruit or yoghurt with honey or something healthy to cope with those cravings, but trying to do so much at once is a big setup for being overwhelmed. We're all different, but I found that for the first while, it was best to do very little else besides quitting drinking! Just rest/sleep lots and read trashy books or watch TV or whatever you do that's total relaxation, do that and going easy on yourself about what you eat (while trying to get some healthy food in if that's not a completely new habit). Also, try to be kind to yourself. This is a tough thing to do. Just try again and take it easy and get support and you'll manage it just fine. Wishing you all the best! xo
ReplyDeleteThank you. I have been thinking a lot about this since yesterday and I think you guys are right. Not drinking has to be #1.
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