This is what I'm feeling today. My "You are forgiven" mantra is not helping.
I failed by getting caught up in my career bullshit. Mentally.
I just ate a protein bar and am going to the pool.
Lesson learned this morning: Do not attempt to eat eggs ever. I hate them so much. I guess I am holding on to some diet stuff. I made myself an egg, cheddar, and arugula omelette. I gagged about half of it down, and ended up throwing up violently because I fucking hate eggs. Tofu is a much better option for me.
Sobriety has to be #1. Diet be damned. I eat really healthy. It's stupid to think that denying myself BEANS is going to help me in any way.
I feel like a total disappointment to every single person in my life. Myself of course, but my kids, my partner and anyone who loves me or loves someone who loves me.
I have had times where I felt so empowered. I want those back. I need those back. I need to reclaim my power. I need to push myself to excel. I have talents. I have something to offer.
My partner is disgusted with me. I don't blame him. He is not mean. He has not ever been mean about it, but I can see it and feel it.
My first reaction is to leave. To run far away.
Then I realize I don't know where I'd go, so then I just want to die.
I have isolated myself from friends and family. This has to stop.
Don't you think your partner and your kids would miss you???? Of course they would! They love you or they wouldn't still be in your life! Sounds like you are running from yourself but putting it on others! And it sounds like you are the one who is disappointed with you! Could you ask them for help? Did you ever try talking to a therapist? It has done me a world of good! I hated myself too when I was drinking. I am slowly starting to really love myself sober. I know your sober girl is in there!!!! And eat tofu and beans if that's what you like! Why make yourself miserable with something you hate? Reclaim yourself!!!!! xo
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I have had the self love before too. I have been way worse off mentally than I am now in the past and pulled myself up and thrived.
DeleteSounds like you're feeling pretty rough there. I do agree about the beans though! Oh, the food craziness we can take on board sometimes. If you've stopped drinking you'll likely feel a little better after a few days. But listen, do see someone if you're feeling as bad as all that, OK? I know a bit about that kind of low, and it's pretty much always a lie when you feel that people you love are disgusted with you. It's just another way of beating yourself up. For me it passes, but I do always make sure I talk to someone in person about it, just to help me see things more accurately. I hope the swim helped you feel better. Take care, and try to go easy on yourself. For now, staying sober us the main thing. Once you sort that out, there'll be plenty of time and energy for the rest. Cheering you on here! xo
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!
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