First Things First.

I realize I have shied away from this space because I am not sober. Also, I totally forgot about it for a while.

I am not writing for anyone else but me right now. I think I've been worried about the reaction to me writing while not being sober too many times.

I'm done with that. I have to get this out and I need a lifeline and writing gives me hope, so I'm here.

Two days.. drink... I was so sure I wouldn't today until I did. I ate food.. and then I worked and dropped off things off to my clients, and came home! I wanted to stop and buy alcohol the whole way home, but I didn't. I came home determined to eat some food and then come here and write.

Then my partner left the house and I went and bought alcohol.

I guess I have not totally given my will over. I have not allowed myself to wallow in the want of alcohol for any length of time.

Step 3 (sic): Turn your will over to a God of your understanding.

I don't believe in god. I can't stand the religious dogma in AA.. BUT... I have also been in AA in the past and know that not everyone is religious and that you can actually use the GROUP or anything else as your 'God'.

I feel like I have a clearer picture of this now. My WILL is to my own right now. My WILL is go be drunk all the time.

I used be be pissed off, because I felt like the WILL meant my will to live and continue forward.. and I've never stopped that. Even in my darkest days, I still felt like I could count on my will to live.

My will is not letting me live. It helps me move forward in some ways. It has kept me alive on  basic level, but it hasn't allowed me to be sober. My WILL gets me drunk all the time. My WILL wants me to drink.

I have not come to terms with how hard it's going to be for a long time to stop. I feel like I can do it a day or two and sometimes more, but I'm drawn back by the compulsion.

When I was successful stopping for almost two years, I really did take it day by day..  I did not manage to get any help or go to any meetings ... but I remember the early days and wanting it so much. Of course, my work situation made it very easy not to drink. I was working 60-70 hours a week for the first 6 months.

I am not willing to feel the discomfort of sobriety now.

I need to get my head in the game so I can prepare myself for it. The FIRST THINGS FIRST... that no matter what.. YOU DON'T DRINK...  That's it... no drinking. I already found myself trying to plan food diets when I stop drinking, which does not work (see beginning of this blog)..  I  just have to be prepared to not drink no matter what.

I need to go back to AA. I know that if I go back and truly commit I will create a life for myself that allows me to be sober. My life today is 100% revolved around drinking and how I can fit everything else in around it.

I have said this before, and I'll say it again.. I have so much to live for. Amazing work opportunities, people who love me... and did I mention amazing work opportunity? If I can rise to the occasion, I will not longer have to worry about retirement.

So much to live for... yet I prefer to keep myself isolated in this fucking disgusting box of drunk.

I already know how it has to play out.

The first month is going to be hard, especially the first two weeks. Physically. My body is going to freak the fuck out and my mind is going to go nuts. (I'm already there, but I can mute it with alcohol)..

Every single cell of my mind and soul is going to be crying out for my fix.

I will feel more and more manic as I get sober. If I can exercise, then this will help so much.

If I can create a real life support system (AA) and get back to the gym so I can exercise to deal with the physical anxiety and stress.. and EAT...eat healthy, good food. I will be OK...  I have had several 30 day stints, but then I always drink on day 31.

AA meetings. Swimming. Good food. Career.

I also need to go to the DR. and get a full physical/check up and tell her about my alcoholism.