Y.E.T.

My partner and I have broken up. A lot of it had to do with drinking.

I'm still drinking.

They have a saying in AA: It hasn't happened YET.

Yet = You're Eligible Too.

I have said I knew my drinking would destroy my relationship and it did.

On the other hand, the relationship was not healthy. My partner also has addiction issues and they were a big problem as well. 

It's a blessing in disguise we are not together.

I had an unexpected health scare around the time we were breaking up (not related to drinking). 

I am waiting to see if they will be treating it with a rather large surgery or a more minor one.

I am in flux. I am staying with my sister for the time being because I don't know what is happening with my medical treatment.

I have an apartment/roommate situation lined up as soon as my health situation allows it. 

One thing that I'm coming to terms with is that I was actually RELIEVED when I thought I had cancer. The thought of dying of cancer felt like a way out. 

That is really mentally ill. I am very mentally ill.

I went to the ER about a month ago for alcohol withdrawal. I was trying to get into a detox, but they were full for DAYS and I kept drinking because they were full and I would go a day or two and the withdrawal would get so bad that I drank out of fear for my health. My blood pressure was spiking and my heart rate was spiking.

At my ER visit, I was totally honest with people and the nurses were so kind. The doctor was not. The doctor told me that I was not in alcohol withdrawal and that if I was I'd know it. Even though my blood pressure was 179/110 when I got there. He said I was having a panic attack. They gave me a valium and my blood pressure/heart rate went down and they sent me home in three hours. The nurse was visible pissed at the doctor. She told me not to let this discourage me from getting help and said i was brave for coming in. 

I was 100% honest with the amount I drink with the DR. I am SHOCKED that he didn't think I was in withdrawal. 

I have FINALLY be totally honest with my medical providers about my alcoholism and how much I drink. I figured they better have ALL of the information. 

I am broken. Homeless. Alone. Jobless. 

and it's all my own doing. 

On the other hand, I have support from my family. Of course, they don't know about the drinking. I should tell them.

I have reached out to a outpatient treatment center and am waiting on the admitting process so I can begin to conquer this. 

My sister has been out of town, so I've been drinking, but once they get back, there's no way I can drink. 

Not only do I have the support of my family, I have enough money to get by for a while and once I know what surgery/recovery time will be, I can take care of that issue and then move into my roommate situation and pick up my career from there. 

But none of this will be doable if I am drinking.

I also need to confront the dark demon of wanting to die. 

My plan is to get my sobriety/emotional/physical health on track for the next several months and then tackle like once I have the skills.

I am broken. I am in infant. I don't even know how to walk anymore.