Day & 1st day of outpatient treatment.

I managed to stay sober yesterday. It was not a good day. I am so depressed. It is chemical and situational, but I keep reminding myself of the scientific reasons my brain is freaking out. It's going to take a long time for me to feel better on a physiological level.

The withdrawal and panic was so bad yesterday. I feel better today withdrawal wise.

It's 5:30 AM and I'm leaving at 7 for my first day of outpatient treatment. I'm also checking out of the hotel - $1300 later. oy. The last week has been important for me, so it is what it is.

I have a potential really exciting business/community project that I really want to pursue, but I know nothing will get done unless I get sober. I was supposed to meet with my potential partner today and then again on Monday, but that is not going to be possible. I was freaking out about what to tell her, so I almost just told her the truth. She knows about my break up situation and I told her that I need to spend the next several weeks getting myself some mental health treatment to work through some personal things. SHE WAS SO SUPPORTIVE.

I am so mentally and physically exhausted. I get an average of 4 hours of sleep a night if I'm lucky. The health issue I'm dealing with also causes some exhaustion and depletion, then add the alcoholism to that.. wow. Bodies are amazing. I have trashed mine for so long.

My SIL and I are going to start a super healthy eating regime this weekend. I'm going to do all the cooking for both of us. I have, however, given myself permission to have a pint of Ben and Jerry's Pumpkin Pie ice cream when I make it to a week sober.

I'm going to be saving so much money not drinking. Around $400-500/month. Holy shit. I have put a lot of it on credit cards. I'm going to have a little bit of a mess on my hands to deal with, but as long as I'm sober, I can face life.