Day 3 - home.

I stayed at the hospital until around 7 last night. They gave me some medication to calm me down and lower my blood pressure. They gave food and water. I was in the hallway of the ER most of the time. The people were really nice though.

The system is so broken. They finally found me a bed 90 minutes away from where I was. I could not drive myself because I was on the ativan. I spoke with the intake person on the phone and she was totally confused why I was coming when I had been sober for 48 hours. I told her I didn't quite understand myself why.

I asked the ER doctor if he thought I was medically stable enough to go home and he said yes, and that he would give me medical clearance. There needs to be better communication between the outpatient team, because I KNOW FOR  FACT they never said I had to be alcohol free for 4 days. Only that I had to be "sober" and not in withdrawal.

Yesterday, the doctor agreed that I was most likely experiencing panic instead of withdrawal, because even though I was nervous when I walked into the outpatient room, my hands weren't shaking, my heart wasn't pounding, and I was sweating. I became almost instantly hysterical when he told me I couldn't be in the program.

I begged him. I told him I needed this.. that I was scared I would drink if I didn't have this structure today. That I had planned from 3:30 pm that day all through the weekend with structure. He told me to go to detox then, "or just go home this weekend and not drink. - If you can't pull that off you need detox".

My old self would have been like FUCK YOU ASSHOLE... see what happens when I ask for help? ... but I was in such a terrorized place mentally that I really was not sure what I would be capable of if I left and started drinking. My suicidal ideation has been constant over the last month. I think I maybe have drank so much and then went out into dangerous neighborhoods to get someone to beat me up. That's how self destructive I am. Either that or just bypassed the beer all together and chug vodka until I die.

So, I chose life. I chose the ER. I came back to where I'm staying (I'm out of the hotel) and had a kind of decent night sleep (probably due to the ativan). Now I have to take an uber to get my car at the hospital.

I'm going to go to an AA meeting today.

Monday morning at 9, I start the outpatient program. I'll bet the guy thinks he will never see me again. I wasn't rude to him or anything, I was just out of my mind hysterical.