Baby steps.

I followed through with something today. Even though I was hungover. Even though I didn't want to do it.

I think one of the worst things about alcoholism is that it has turned me into someone who does not keep their word to people. Especially to people I love. I have let this steal so much of my life, which is bad enough, but it has stolen life from people I love and care about more than anything and anyone. My daughter. My partner. My child is grown and I missed the chance to give her the parent she deserved. I will never, ever be able to make up for that. It guts me. It wasn't because I didn't love her. Love doesn't fix everything.

I think I'm getting to the point where I am finally going to be able to face this and own the pain I have caused her. I have let pride steal life.

I was thinking last night about how amazing it would be to just live with no secrets. Without hiding who I am and my past.

It's amazing how this one small act of follow through is such a big deal.

I am an infant. I need to learn how to live again.

Live free or die.

This morning I woke up really early and got to work. I was finished by 10 am. On the way back, I went shopping. Browsing.

I felt more like me than I have felt in a long time. Even though I drank yesterday. I drank far less.

I felt a renewed energy and it was like a gift to remember what "normal" life feels like.

I think I'm finally getting ready to be done with this. I hope I am. Oh please let me be done with this.

I am on the cusp of a life.

A life worth living, even if it is hard. Even if it means I have to face everything I have been blocking out.

It's either live free or DIE.

Accidental Sobriety.

I planned on going to the doctor today, but I drove on past. I have a standing blood work order, so it's not like I blew off an appointment.

Maybe I'll find the courage Monday?

I've been reading. A lot. And eating. A lot. Eating helps. I like drinking on an empty stomach. I was accidentally sober that last two days because I forced myself to eat breakfast and lunch. I couldn't stomach the thought of drinking on a full stomach.

It's amazing; after two days of sobriety my blood sugar levels are "normal". Even after eating a ton of fruit and white pasta. I had white pasta with marinara (homemade so there was so sugar in the sauce) and tofu and cauliflower for dinner last night and then about an hour later had a smoothie made from an apple (seeded and cored, but not peeled), frozen banana, frozen blueberry, and ice. It was very satisfying and an hour after my carb fest, my blood sugar was 91. My fasting blood sugar yesterday was 83. Totally normal.

I am in awe how fast my body responds to sobriety. This is not something I can take for granted. And I'm sure my liver enzyme numbers are off the charts at best.

I have a huge project for work and I need to be 100% present for it.

Sober.

The Doctor.

I have been avoiding the doctor for so long.

I will go in for my physical and bloodwork.

I've been feeling like SHIT for so long, which is not a surprise given the alcohol.

I have been worried about my blood sugar for a while (thinking it must be really HIGH) so I finally ordered a kit online and over the last three days have realized that I am really hypoglycemic. Alcohol can cause this, especially when I don't eat so I can get the alcohol in my system faster. 

I have had so much trouble sleeping for so long, and I think part of the reason is that my blood sugar plummets at night and I wake up with my heart pounding, dizzy, and sick. I thought it was withdrawal, but my blood pressure and heart rate are usually OK... but I still feel this way.. my fasting blood sugar this morning was 49. 

I don't want to die. I don't want to give myself diabetes. 

I need to confront this fear. I need to be honest with my doctor.

Last year, my partner and I were in a big box store, and I literally almost passed out. Things started to go grey... and I was so dizzy. I had to put my head between my knees holding on to the cart.

I do not drive while drinking EVER...  so I need to see this as a safety issue for the public. My blood sugar issues are dangerous for me while driving I'm sure... it was enough to stop me from drinking and driving many years ago.. the thought of hurting someone.. so I need to treat this the same way. 

First Things First.

I realize I have shied away from this space because I am not sober. Also, I totally forgot about it for a while.

I am not writing for anyone else but me right now. I think I've been worried about the reaction to me writing while not being sober too many times.

I'm done with that. I have to get this out and I need a lifeline and writing gives me hope, so I'm here.

Two days.. drink... I was so sure I wouldn't today until I did. I ate food.. and then I worked and dropped off things off to my clients, and came home! I wanted to stop and buy alcohol the whole way home, but I didn't. I came home determined to eat some food and then come here and write.

Then my partner left the house and I went and bought alcohol.

I guess I have not totally given my will over. I have not allowed myself to wallow in the want of alcohol for any length of time.

Step 3 (sic): Turn your will over to a God of your understanding.

I don't believe in god. I can't stand the religious dogma in AA.. BUT... I have also been in AA in the past and know that not everyone is religious and that you can actually use the GROUP or anything else as your 'God'.

I feel like I have a clearer picture of this now. My WILL is to my own right now. My WILL is go be drunk all the time.

I used be be pissed off, because I felt like the WILL meant my will to live and continue forward.. and I've never stopped that. Even in my darkest days, I still felt like I could count on my will to live.

My will is not letting me live. It helps me move forward in some ways. It has kept me alive on  basic level, but it hasn't allowed me to be sober. My WILL gets me drunk all the time. My WILL wants me to drink.

I have not come to terms with how hard it's going to be for a long time to stop. I feel like I can do it a day or two and sometimes more, but I'm drawn back by the compulsion.

When I was successful stopping for almost two years, I really did take it day by day..  I did not manage to get any help or go to any meetings ... but I remember the early days and wanting it so much. Of course, my work situation made it very easy not to drink. I was working 60-70 hours a week for the first 6 months.

I am not willing to feel the discomfort of sobriety now.

I need to get my head in the game so I can prepare myself for it. The FIRST THINGS FIRST... that no matter what.. YOU DON'T DRINK...  That's it... no drinking. I already found myself trying to plan food diets when I stop drinking, which does not work (see beginning of this blog)..  I  just have to be prepared to not drink no matter what.

I need to go back to AA. I know that if I go back and truly commit I will create a life for myself that allows me to be sober. My life today is 100% revolved around drinking and how I can fit everything else in around it.

I have said this before, and I'll say it again.. I have so much to live for. Amazing work opportunities, people who love me... and did I mention amazing work opportunity? If I can rise to the occasion, I will not longer have to worry about retirement.

So much to live for... yet I prefer to keep myself isolated in this fucking disgusting box of drunk.

I already know how it has to play out.

The first month is going to be hard, especially the first two weeks. Physically. My body is going to freak the fuck out and my mind is going to go nuts. (I'm already there, but I can mute it with alcohol)..

Every single cell of my mind and soul is going to be crying out for my fix.

I will feel more and more manic as I get sober. If I can exercise, then this will help so much.

If I can create a real life support system (AA) and get back to the gym so I can exercise to deal with the physical anxiety and stress.. and EAT...eat healthy, good food. I will be OK...  I have had several 30 day stints, but then I always drink on day 31.

AA meetings. Swimming. Good food. Career.

I also need to go to the DR. and get a full physical/check up and tell her about my alcoholism.

Compulsion.

I'm awake and not hungover. I hear the birds. I'm drinking my coffee. I'm doing some work and last minute preparation for an important work meeting later in the day.

I'm on day 2 again. I need to run some errands.

I don't seem to be in alcohol withdrawal, so that's good. BP is normal. Heart rate is normal.

The perpetual cycle of drunk/withdrawal/hangover is so exhausting. I keep telling myself I don't have to ever live that way again.

Compulsion. It's so beyond craving. It's its own entity, swallowing me whole.

I want to run away, but I know that I can never get away from me. and IT. Been there, done that. The only way out is through. I just don't know how to do it.

That's a lie. I do know how.

Mindful drinking.

OK, so not really. I am just going to attempt to be mindful at the moment. And I am drinking. I hear:

• Kids playing outside.
• Bird chirping.
• The neighbors lawn mower.
• The keyboard as I'm typing.
• Neighbors talking.

I feel:

• Slightly sick to my stomach.
• Hungry.
• My body hurts. My hands and wrists and elbows. 
• My right ankle/shin is buzzing like a cell phone has been imbedded in my shin.
• anxious
• somewhat numb to the pain and anxiety
• aware of the contradiction 
• relieved that I know that right now I am drunk and I can not do anything else like drive or leave the house
• like a weight has been partially lifted off my shoulders. 
• My liver hurts and is swollen.
• Resentful thinking of my partner returning home and wanting me to do go out for the day with them. 
• Relieved that I know I will not have to go and face the Fourth of July party.
• Pissed at myself because I am refusing to engage with my partner and open myself up to friends. 
• I acknowledge that I do not fucking give a shit about the people my partner wants me to associate with. I've tried in the past and it's boring, and really disappointing.. over and over again. No common ground no matter how much I extend myself and try to create conversation. Selfish people. 
• I want to connect with people so much. I don't seem to be able to.
• I am fucking broken.
• I am lonely.
• I am dying.
• I will die from this.
• I don't know how to change.
• I feel alone in a crowd.
• I want to sleep, but never can.
• Drunk.
• Not drunk enough.
• There is no such thing as drunk enough.
• One is too many, 1000 is never enough.
• I know I need a long time sober before I can really see what is real and is not. 
• Even though I was sober and trying to connect with the BF's "community"..  that never happened.. and I tried, so I don't think sobriety will help there. 

Day 3 fail.

Broken record.

I am so isolated. I have no one and nothing and it's my fault.

I shut everyone out of my life. This is what I do and who I am.

I know there is life out there, if I can just get beyond this. I just don't know how to do it.

I'm drowning.

.. but I still have hope. I know there is a way to beat this fucking asshole. I know it. I have to believe that I will be able to do this.

AA... and relapse pondering.

I wish I could really pinpoint what led up to me drinking after almost or around 2 year sober years ago? Sadly, I can't even remember if I had two full years of sobriety or if I drank before I hit that mark? I think I drank very close to the two year anniversary.

What I do remember, is that I woke up that morning like everything was normal, but on the way home, I was struck with a craving like I hand't had for a long time. I drove to the liquor store and bought a 12 pack of Red Hook IPA. It felt surreal. I knew I could stop it at any time.

I got home, and started drinking, and drank the entire 12 pack by noon the next day, and it was like I had never stopped.

I feel like there was a trigger, but I have no idea what that was. I'm not sure if I don't know because I have damaged my brain or I am skilled with repression... Knowing what I know today, it is probably a mixture of the two.  I remember waking up feeling so sick.. and also the craving was back 100%.

The way I go about getting my drink on is nothing new. It was nothing new then, and it's nothing new today.

The rituals are strong. I see myself falling back into the worst of the worst... taking the empties and bagging them up to throw away in public trash cans so no one at home has an idea of how much I'm drinking.

At my very worst, I would need at least 5 days to plan ahead so I could be free of alcohol withdrawal. I am not even sure where I am now, because I can't seem to make it past day 2... which really happers my ability to be successful in any business adventure. Today was day 2, and I have to stop at the liquor store to buy beer and nips on the way home from work.

I digress... if only I could remember what lead me to drinking years ago?" The ability to pinpoint the exact moment I made the decision is there. I remember it in slow motion ....

I guess, it doesn't matter now. The fact is that I did not create a support system for myself. I could have. I did it all on my own. If I had someone to call when I felt like this... someone to be accountable to... I doubt I would have picked up...   I despise a lot of AA stuff because of religion, but I also know that I can choose to use the group as a higher power and it's a cop out to discount it...  it has worked for me in the past, and I know it can work for me again. I have such a romantic view of the AA I grew up in... as a teen. In a small town. AA there saved my life.... and yes, I was in AA as a teen. I went to my first meeting at the age of 13.

When is enough enough?

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to live.

I have so much to live for.

Why can't I do this?

I can. I just don't do it. I have the tools and I know I can create a support system.

I am shocked I'm still alive.

I hate alcohol.

I hate being an alcoholic.

I hate having no control.

I hate that I am letting it steal everything from me.

My god... this has to end.

Day 10

It's so nice hot being hungover.
It's so nice feeling like I can do my job.
It's so nice not feeling bloated.
It's so nice having energy.

I haven't had 10 days of consecutive sobriety for a long time.

Things are looking up.