Detox

Well, I was not allowed into the program. They said I needed to be sober for 4 days. I freaked out and started crying. He said I needed to either be medically cleared by detox services or go home and not drink all weekend and come back Monday.

I got so pissed and discouraged... But I decided to so the detox thing. Because I didn't feel safe going home. I went into a horrific mental space and thought I might hurt myself.

So, I'm on the ER waiting for detox services people to show up.
I am serious about getting sober. In the past o would have been reactive and drank. Not this time. If you don't here from me for a couple days that's why.
I thought being sober for 38 hours would have been ok.

Day & 1st day of outpatient treatment.

I managed to stay sober yesterday. It was not a good day. I am so depressed. It is chemical and situational, but I keep reminding myself of the scientific reasons my brain is freaking out. It's going to take a long time for me to feel better on a physiological level.

The withdrawal and panic was so bad yesterday. I feel better today withdrawal wise.

It's 5:30 AM and I'm leaving at 7 for my first day of outpatient treatment. I'm also checking out of the hotel - $1300 later. oy. The last week has been important for me, so it is what it is.

I have a potential really exciting business/community project that I really want to pursue, but I know nothing will get done unless I get sober. I was supposed to meet with my potential partner today and then again on Monday, but that is not going to be possible. I was freaking out about what to tell her, so I almost just told her the truth. She knows about my break up situation and I told her that I need to spend the next several weeks getting myself some mental health treatment to work through some personal things. SHE WAS SO SUPPORTIVE.

I am so mentally and physically exhausted. I get an average of 4 hours of sleep a night if I'm lucky. The health issue I'm dealing with also causes some exhaustion and depletion, then add the alcoholism to that.. wow. Bodies are amazing. I have trashed mine for so long.

My SIL and I are going to start a super healthy eating regime this weekend. I'm going to do all the cooking for both of us. I have, however, given myself permission to have a pint of Ben and Jerry's Pumpkin Pie ice cream when I make it to a week sober.

I'm going to be saving so much money not drinking. Around $400-500/month. Holy shit. I have put a lot of it on credit cards. I'm going to have a little bit of a mess on my hands to deal with, but as long as I'm sober, I can face life.

Day 1.

UUGGGHHH. I'm so hungover and in withdrawal. I'm at the hotel. Tomorrow is the first day of the program. Today is my Day 1 AGAIN. I know if I drink today, I will not go tomorrow. So, I'm sucking it up and dealing with it.

I can do this. I'm drinking tons of chamomile tea and trying to eat.

I feel like I should be in detox. I will find out tomorrow when I go to my first day if I'm stable enough to start without detox first. I've felt like this before and have been OK..  I know a lot of it is electrolyte imbalance and major dehydration, so I'm going to get some nu-salt and mix it with water and my magnesium powder, and focus on drinking a lot of water, tea and maybe some grape juice over ice.

I almost went and got alcohol, but I ate instead and so far have drank 6 cups of water and two cups of tea and I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better.

Feeling so hopeful.

Omg, I had the BEST phone conversation with Sober at 53 yesterday! She reached out to me the other night and gave me her phone number, and I finally got the nerve to actually call her. We had a great talk about sobriety and drinking and what I'm going through and what she has gone through, but then something even more amazing happened. She is pursuing a dream (in the process of it now) that I am trying to pursue as well. I actually met with a woman last week who would be the other part of this in my case and it was amazing to realize that my hopes and dreams are still SO ALIVE. And that I have so much to live for. I have to much to offer this world, but I can't do it unless I am sober. PERIOD.

After the conversation, I felt really happy and I did not drink very much at all. In fact, since I've been in the hotel (since Friday) I have drank MUCH less than I planned.

The counselor yesterday asked me if I remembered what it was like for me when I was sober for the two years, and I do remember it. I struggled a lot (but I think it's because I was doing it 100% on my own). But I also accomplished so much during that time. I taught myself new skills, furthered my career. I kept commitments. I felt free. I will never forget the summer of 2010. I started to make friends again. I socialized. I pursued my dreams. I spent a lot of time at the ocean, breathing in the salt air. I was healing.

Life can be like that again. I am going to create a good support system for myself. I have a place to live for the time being that isn't ideal, BUT, it is a place I can live rent free and a place where I can not drink. I have friends who love me. I have family who loves me.

I am really happy I am in the hotel, because I feel like I'm at home. I needed to come to that realization. This feels like home to me because I have spent so much time in this particular hotel chain when I traveled with my X. The money is money I don't have to spend, but it's giving me peace of mind right now, and instead of paying a full months rent, I'm paying $1300 for the week. It is what it is.

Assessment

I went to the assessment. It went well.I was totally honest. I will be starting and intensive outpatient program on Friday. It's at least two weeks long, maybe longer. I will also be seeing the counselor I saw today once a week in addition tot he program. I have an appointment with him Monday.

I feel totally relieved. I checked out of the hotel, but then booked another one for the next three days.

I'm going to try to cut back/detox slowly over the next three days. If that doesn't work, I promised them I'd call their detox crisis team and go to detox. I have to go "home" Thursday.

It's very foolish of me to have spent $1000 this week on a hotel.

I don't really care. I really don't.

My 100% focus right now needs to be on me getting sober and into recovery. (I'm not foolish enough to think that the hotel is part of that..  I'm hoping I can get my shit together enough to slowly wean off the alcohol over the next three days.

A huge reason I'm staying in the hotel is because this is the hotel chain that my partner and I always stayed in... and I used to travel with him for work, so it feels like a second home to me. We stayed here when he worked, any time we traveled, and on all of our vacations. I miss being with him and I miss feeling like I have a home, and this feels like home to me.

Sad but true. It's a very expensive "home".

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow I go to my substance abuse intake. I am going to be 100% honest and beg for help.

I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I'm still at the hotel, but I'm actually not drinking as much as I thought I was going to. I suppose that's a good thing. I'm still drinking more than most people would ever dream of. I'm on my 6th high alcohol beer, and I have an entire 5th of vodka. There's no way in hell I'll even come close to drinking that today. I have to leave by 11:30 am tomorrow. 

I feel so gross and dehydrated. I am craving healthy food. I've been living off of cheese, arugula, and crackers since Friday, and only eating that after I am done drinking, which was around 7 pm yesterday. 

I think this particular substance abuse counseling might offer an outpatient program. I hope it does. I need something. I need structure. I am probably in need of detox. I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow. 

Insanity.

Is this my bottom? I hope so.

I got so sick of not drinking and being around people that I checked into a hotel for 3 days. I check out Monday morning and have an substance abuse intake appointment on Monday afternoon.

I just spent $600 on the hotel and alcohol. I also bought some food so I don't have to leave at all.

I remember doing something similar to this years ago. I checked into a hotel for 3 days and I was so fucking suicidal.

I am somewhat suicidal now, but I won't overtly kill myself. I doubt I will kill myself from drinking either.

I don't have the money to do this. I put it on my credit card. I have around $4000 credit card debt I've wracked up in the past year. A lot of the money is from alcohol.

No one knows that this is my life. No one. Only me. I'm so lonely and alone.

It's my fault. 100% my fault. I have no one to blame buy myself.

Alcoholism is a lonely disease. I don't want to drag other people into it, so I isolate myself 100%.

At least I can be honest here.

I went for three straight days this week without drinking. I was starting to feel better.

Fuck.

Y.E.T.

My partner and I have broken up. A lot of it had to do with drinking.

I'm still drinking.

They have a saying in AA: It hasn't happened YET.

Yet = You're Eligible Too.

I have said I knew my drinking would destroy my relationship and it did.

On the other hand, the relationship was not healthy. My partner also has addiction issues and they were a big problem as well. 

It's a blessing in disguise we are not together.

I had an unexpected health scare around the time we were breaking up (not related to drinking). 

I am waiting to see if they will be treating it with a rather large surgery or a more minor one.

I am in flux. I am staying with my sister for the time being because I don't know what is happening with my medical treatment.

I have an apartment/roommate situation lined up as soon as my health situation allows it. 

One thing that I'm coming to terms with is that I was actually RELIEVED when I thought I had cancer. The thought of dying of cancer felt like a way out. 

That is really mentally ill. I am very mentally ill.

I went to the ER about a month ago for alcohol withdrawal. I was trying to get into a detox, but they were full for DAYS and I kept drinking because they were full and I would go a day or two and the withdrawal would get so bad that I drank out of fear for my health. My blood pressure was spiking and my heart rate was spiking.

At my ER visit, I was totally honest with people and the nurses were so kind. The doctor was not. The doctor told me that I was not in alcohol withdrawal and that if I was I'd know it. Even though my blood pressure was 179/110 when I got there. He said I was having a panic attack. They gave me a valium and my blood pressure/heart rate went down and they sent me home in three hours. The nurse was visible pissed at the doctor. She told me not to let this discourage me from getting help and said i was brave for coming in. 

I was 100% honest with the amount I drink with the DR. I am SHOCKED that he didn't think I was in withdrawal. 

I have FINALLY be totally honest with my medical providers about my alcoholism and how much I drink. I figured they better have ALL of the information. 

I am broken. Homeless. Alone. Jobless. 

and it's all my own doing. 

On the other hand, I have support from my family. Of course, they don't know about the drinking. I should tell them.

I have reached out to a outpatient treatment center and am waiting on the admitting process so I can begin to conquer this. 

My sister has been out of town, so I've been drinking, but once they get back, there's no way I can drink. 

Not only do I have the support of my family, I have enough money to get by for a while and once I know what surgery/recovery time will be, I can take care of that issue and then move into my roommate situation and pick up my career from there. 

But none of this will be doable if I am drinking.

I also need to confront the dark demon of wanting to die. 

My plan is to get my sobriety/emotional/physical health on track for the next several months and then tackle like once I have the skills.

I am broken. I am in infant. I don't even know how to walk anymore. 

Good morning.

I have been fighting this awful headache for 4 days. It's been coming and going, and gets worse as the day goes on. It's on one side of my head, but is not a migraine. It's frustrating because it's interfering with my sleep.

I have started my day, but realize that I need to eat breakfast soon. I also need to figure out a plan for later today because I will be on the road around lunch time. If I bring a protein shake and some fruit, I should be OK. It would be better if I didn't bring any money with me (well, I always carry a joint credit card for emergencies, but I never use it to buy alcohol because my partner and I share the account.)... although I do need some money because I am driving by Trader Joes, and I like to stock up. Maybe I'll just bring enough cash for what I need.

Oh, I just remembered, I committed to going swimming with my partner this afternoon after work. Duh..  that will make it so I don't buy alcohol.

One of the things I'm focusing on is following through with commitments. I'm sick of letting everyone down all the time.

Day two really leads up to me feeling antsy. I usually start to feel much better on day 3 and then I magically forget why I'm trying to be sober and I drink on day 4.

I just need to stay sober today. It is great not to wake up hungover.

Afternoon musing.

I am 100% sure I would have drank today if I hadn't eaten breakfast and lunch. I started my day with a lot of watermelon and that was super hydrating.

My blood sugar is totally normal today. I'm fairly certain I do not have diabetes, but I know the doctor has to determine that. I am working up the courage to go in for my blood work. (I'm worried about my liver function test).

I feel empty and on edge. Blood pressure and pulse are good.

I'm psyching myself up for the fight of my life. I'm psyching myself up to feel like all of my nerves are exposed to bitter cold wind. It's just going to be like this for a while. I feel like I've lost my best friend.

It was like this when I quit smoking (successfully -  it's been 15 years).. it was like this when I quit xanax. Of course, I self medicated with alcohol big time when I quit.. but it was still difficult psychologically not to mention the physical withdrawal was pure hell.

My danger time for drinking is between noon and 5 pm. I'm usually finished with work by noon or I work from home doing paperwork and things on my computer,.

I have my big work event coming up Sunday..  life is so much harder when you're drunk and hungover all the time.. getting things done and getting into the social mode required is very stressful when I'm trying to manage alcohol. I'm really hoping I can manage to get sober this time. Day 3 and 4 are big trigger days.

Happy Monday.

Mondays are always my favorite day. A chance to start over.

I have my sobriety toolkit. Lots of hydrating liquids, books to read, pool to swim in, and a HUGE amount of work to do.

My goal this week is to attend an AA meeting. I know which one I like. It's a morning meeting.

I can't do this alone, I need to create a support system for myself in real life as well as write here and read sober blogs. It's a double edged sword, because I do a lot of drinking sitting in front of the computer, so I need to step away from it as well.

Oh, and I need to EAT 3 meals a day. That is the biggest predictor of success. If I eat breakfast and lunch, I will rarely drink. I've been eating breakfast on a regular basis, but not lunch, and on the days I don't eat lunch I ALWAYS drink. No matter what.