Day 4.

I usually drink on day 4. It's a pattern of mine. After three days, I'm usually feeling pretty good, my mind is nice and clear and I feel like my old self, so naturally, I want to drink.

Today I plan on combating that by eating healthy food. Drinking green smoothie and seltzer.

I have to do some work early afternoon, so I know my trouble time will be on the way home from work.

I plan on not bringing any money or debit/credit cards with me.

Yesterday, I was thinking so much about my drinking history. It's horrifying actually, and I'm lucky that I am alive. I'm lucky I'm not in jail. I used to drive drunk all the time years ago. I am so grateful I never hurt or killed anyone in an accident.

The shame we feel as women alcoholics, or should I say, the shame I feel as a woman alcoholic is so intense.

"I am forgiven. I forgive myself."

I had a great day with my partner yesterday. We goofed around and laughed a lot. I really love that man. So much.

I have decided that the next year is going to be spent with sobriety as my number one focus. Without that, I won't have anything else.

Getting my mental and physical health back is what I need to do. Regardless of what happens in my career, this has to be my #1. This is the ONLY thing that will actually HELP my career. Well, that and gaining self confidence.

If I don't believe in myself, how in the world will anyone else?

Day 3 ... Jumped down the rabbit hole.

One step forward, two steps back. I really hope that Friday I hit my mental bottom.

I have been trying to figure out what is the most helpful for me when it comes to being sober, and sitting her at my computer is extremely unhelpful because this is where I do 99% of my drinking.

I drank so much (a fifth of vodka). I spent the day in a mental place that can only be described as insane. Suicidal. Convinced my partner was going to break up with me, feeling like my kids (they are grown) would be so much better off without me.

Every failure in my life was front and center. I got no psychological relief.

Saturday I was feeling HORRIBLE physically. I felt like a caged animal. I was in alcohol withdrawal. Shaky, sweaty. I self medicated with an old prescription of a beta blocker and checked my blood pressure/pulse all day long.

I was really afraid I might need to go to the hospital. The beta blocker did the trick. (I have a bit of medical training, but I KNOW that it's stupid to not get medical help for alcohol detox.)

I made the conscious decision to stay off the computer yesterday. I ate really healthy delicious food for breakfast and then FORCED myself to eat a big, healthy lunch. If I hadn't eaten yesterday, I am sure I would have drank. I thought my partner would be home all day, which is always helpful because I don't like to at least start drinking when he's here. Then around 2pm, he left for 3 hours to go hang with his friend. I was still full from lunch. That morning, I bought myself some fresh squeezed grapefruit juice and I drank that. I stayed downstairs and watched TV and walked on the treadmill, and around an hour later, I felt this calm take over my body and the urge to drink was gone for the rest of the day.

Thank you for checking in on me. That really touched my heart.

Today my partner is home all day, plus I have plans to go do a bit of work for someone tomorrow. I have books to read, a pool to go swim in and delicious food to cook. I managed to sleep in this morning! I am having my coffee now, but can tell I need to eat because I am craving. I let myself get SO HUNGRY on the days I drink . I usually go at least 18 hours without eating anything (except coffee and water) and then my blood sugar is so low and I drink high alcohol beer. (I am a beer snob, but frankly, the highest alcohol beers are the hipster microbrews and I love bitter IPA's). The beer I drink has an ABC of 8.5. Sometimes I add flavored vodka and diet soda to the mix or drink that instead.

I am sure I have messed up my blood sugar big time.

I just checked my blood pressure and it's normal. Normal pulse as well. Phew. I check myself every 3 hours on the days I'm not drinking to make sure I'm OK.

The one thing I really sense and realize from my  navel gazing about drinking and my life is how incredibly isolated I have made myself. I can't ask for help from anyone. Or I DON'T. I think the reason is because I know if I did, then I would be held accountable to some degree. I'm also so embarrassed.

I am terrified of telling any health professional because I don't want it in my records. I am so ashamed.

Day 2 again.

After my last entry about self loathing and hatred, I went to the gym to swim. On the way there, I ran over a dog who was off leash and ran into the street. The dog's owner was right there (why people would ever have their dogs off leash, especially right next to a kind of busy street is beyond me) and of course, I stopped. It was making these horrible sounds, but was alive and the man took him to the emergency vet.

I don't know if the dog lived or not, but it was so horrible. I feel so bad, even though I know it wasn't my fault.

My mind almost exploded and you got it, I came home, got my money, and went to the liquor store where I bought 6 nips of flavored vodka and drank them in less than an hour with diet pepsi along with 5 benadryl. I passed out about an hour later.

My partner left his keys at the office in the city and his car parked at a Subway station just outside of the city (he went to a game after work) and texted me 5 times because he needed me to come pick him up to give him a spare set of keys. 

Since I was passed out and my phone was downstairs, I never got the texts, so he had to go back into the city and get his keys and then didn't get home until 12:30 am. He was pissed. I don't blame him.

I know the dog thing was extreme stress, but life is stress. There will always be things like this. 

I managed to get through one of the most stressful things ever sober years ago (the doctors thought my daughter had cancer which would have been a terminal cancer). This happened when I was 4 months sober at the time and I was able to stay sober. Most likely because I knew I had to be there 100% for my child. 

I did take care of a few things yesterday I have been putting off. 

Intense hatred and self loathing.

This is what I'm feeling today. My "You are forgiven" mantra is not helping.

I failed by getting caught up in my career bullshit. Mentally.

I just ate a protein bar and am going to the pool.

Lesson learned this morning: Do not attempt to eat eggs ever. I hate them so much. I guess I am holding on to some diet stuff. I made myself an egg, cheddar, and arugula omelette. I gagged about half of it down, and ended up throwing up violently because I fucking hate eggs. Tofu is a much better option for me.

Sobriety has to be #1. Diet be damned. I eat really healthy. It's stupid to think that denying myself BEANS is going to help me in any way.

I feel like a total disappointment to every single person in my life. Myself of course, but my kids, my partner and anyone who loves me or loves someone who loves me.

I have had times where I felt so empowered. I want those back. I need those back. I need to reclaim my power. I need to push myself to excel. I have talents. I have something to offer.

My partner is disgusted with me. I don't blame him. He is not mean. He has not ever been mean about it, but I can see it and feel it.

My first reaction is to leave. To run far away.

Then I realize I don't know where I'd go, so then I just want to die.

I have isolated myself from friends and family. This has to stop.

Day 2

I feel shaky and not great, but I'm not hungover and I went to bed and woke up sober.

That's a win win.

Today, I have to go grocery shopping and to Costco. That will be a trigger I'm sure, but at least where I live, the grocery store I shop in does not sell alcohol of any kind. Costco does, but I rarely bought any there because my partner and I usually shop together. Fortunately, he doesn't drink much at all.

In the past, I would only carry cash when I went shopping in order to keep myself from buying alcohol.

Another trick I will do is not bring any money, debit or credit cards with me when I leave the house to go to the gym or to do other things that don't require money. I have such a habit of "rewarding" myself after swimming by stopping at the liquor store.

I started to get hung up on my work situation this morning, but stopped myself. Right now, for the next several weeks, not only do I have the TIME to get sober (which is probably good and bad) but I have to do this. If I don't get sober, then my work situation will not work out anyway. So, for now, I have a lot of time on my hands. Since I drink alone this is also very hard for me, but it's NEVER going to get any easier. I might as well do it NOW.

Not to mention, I am falling apart physically and emotionally. I feel 100% out of control of myself.

I'm drinking coffee on an empty stomach (which I like to do too) and have already started to obsess about alcohol. Then I remembered that I need to eat breakfast and most likely, I will feel better. So I am going to go make breakfast.

Getting close to dinner time.

And I'm sober and not craving alcohol at all. It's amazing what eating food does. I also walked for 45 minutes, so that made me feel good.

I ate a yummy lunch of hummus with cucumbers and red peppers and made some "frozen yogurt" with greek yogurt, frozen banana, frozen strawberries and stevia.

I just finished my third quart of water with lime juice. I need to get some sparkling cherry seltzer. I LOVE bubbles.

I'm trying not to stress out about my job situation. I am waiting for a very big opportunity to pan out. I'd say there's a 75% chance it will, but if it doesn't, I have to be OK with that. I have to be sober and healthy in order to do this job. That is part of the reason I was going to do the extreme diet as well.

Another day 1

Here we go again.

First, I wanted to thank those who left me comments! Wow. It feels good to have that support.

I have decided that the extreme diet is definitely setting me up for failure, so thank you for the perspective.

I woke up this morning and started obsessing about drinking. I realized I needed to eat breakfast, so I made myself a lovely quick meal of kale, tofu, cherry tomatoes, garlic, celery, green olives and feta. It was delicious, and the obsession to drink is gone.

Fortunately, I love healthy food and am a good cook. I think the extreme diet was more of a way to punish myself.

I think I will check in here after lunch as well.

I am going to walk today, Hydrate. Eat well, Read, BREATHE.

One thing I noticed during the two and a half days of sobriety was that I wasn't as wracked with guilt and self loathing, because I gave myself a mantra to say whenever it started.

"You are forgiven" is going to replace all of the self hatred.

This is one of my favorite quotes or writing on guilt from the book Das Energi:

Guilt is a form of self-hatred. 
Also self-indulgence. 
No one benefits from your feeling guilty. 
Except you ------- you use guilt to shield yourself 
from the pain of awareness. 
When you short-circuit your energy, 
you cheat us all. 
Then use that as excuse for further short-circuiting. 
There is a way out of this trap. 
Don't feel guilty. 
Don't cop out. 
Accept responsibility for your actions. 
Do what's right. 
Don't live in the past. 
Learn from the past. 
Do right in the present. 

Failed.

I failed at sobriety today. I think the whole diet thing fucked me up. I was counting on it to keep me sober, and even though I hadn't started it, the obsession was my downfall.

I spent hours calculating carb counts on an online forum. It seemed obvious to me (as a vegetarian and someone who hates eggs) that it would be impossible to do such a low carb diet "perfectly".


I guess there is some good to report. I managed to hold off my drinking while the craving was sooo strong.

In fact, I used coping skills that I planned on using, and REFUSED to use the ones that I knew would keep me from drinking. I was on my bed, reading my Kindle, and felt like I could totally do this.. but was so determined to DRINK that I threw it all away. I KNEW that I was able to move from task to task to busy myself..

Another thing I realized today. I should have just chilled out in front of the TV watching shows. I felt pathetic doing that, but in reality, if I had done that, I would probably not be drinking now.

Food is another thing. I barely ate breakfast, and then skipped lunch so I could "give myself the option" of drinking. I only like to drink on an empty stomach.

If I feed myself good, healthy food, I am much less likely to drink. It just does not have the same impact and is frustrating for me. Drinking on an empty stomach is how I achieve my happy place.

Of course, then I drink over 1000 calories of alcohol and am starving late at night, so I eat whatever I want.

No wonder I am 100 pounds overweight.

I hate that my partner has to deal with me.

I am a pathetic waste of human space.

... and I know I can be so much more. SO MUCH MORE. I can be a good partner. I have so much to offer when it comes to my work.

I have let my past and my trauma totally derail me.

This has to stop.

Day 2

It's strange that a day of sobriety feels like a triumph. I have many days of sobriety; often three, four or five in a row before I drink again.

Taking drinking off the table helps with my obsessive thoughts because a lot of my drinking is also obsessing over when/where/how much I will drink. 

"You can drink if you walk 3/13 miles to/from the liquor store" .. and then only buying exactly what I plan on drinking that day.

Fortunately, I stopped driving drunk years ago after realizing how incredibly lucky I was to have never killed anyone or getting a drunk driving charge. 

My body feels like it's in panic mode a bit, but that will go away in a couple of days. 

I bit the bullet and weighed myself this morning. I have gained around 15 lbs in the past two months, and much more over the past two years. I am officially 115 lbs over my ideal boy weight. Bloated, My skin looks horrible. 

People used to tell me how young I looked. Few do now. 

My partner went out for the day yesterday, and that's when I would usually drink (or start drinking). Since drinking is off the table, I was able to put it out of my mind. That is a huge relief. 

This week, I will make a doctors appointment to get the blood work done I've been putting off for a YEAR. 

I start my diet tomorrow. I am glad that I am not dieting today or yesterday. Since I'm beginning a low carb diet, I have food in the fridge I need to eat so it doesn't go to waste. I cook a lot and have a lot of leftovers in the fridge. I don't eat meat, so the low carb diet is kind of hard to do, but it also helps a lot with blood sugar issues and like I said earlier, gives me something to obsess about. 

Day One- Time Travel Exercise

Today is day one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7BKhtBEiWk

This is a great visualization. I am not someone who liked guided meditation or meditation/relaxation exercises of any kind, but I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain by opening myself up to all the help I can get.

I'm feeling on edge because I know I won't be drinking today, but it is a relief to just know that instead of obsess about it all day long. The "maybe I should" drink today and start over tomorrow bullshit that I go through almost every day.

Today I am not drinking. No matter what.

Are you serious?

I have been reading a lot of sobriety blogs.

.. and frankly, I feel depressed.

"I tried to moderate, but then broke into that 4th glass of wine.."

Are you fucking kidding me?

4 glasses of wine would be a sober night for me.

That is when I get to my "normal"...  I go way beyond 4 glasses of wine.

Reading these blogs of "excess" makes me feel like the writers are totally full of shit. Why the hell are they even writing sobriety blogs if they are only drinking 4 fucking glasses of wine a night?

I can't deal with phony bullshit.... and I call bullshit on these so called "alcoholic blogs".

Quit Day: 5/21/2016

I have decided to pick tomorrow *cliche* for my quit day.
I have to replace my drinking with something, so exercise it will be.
I'm also going to begin a low carb diet on Monday.

I need to obsess over something other than drinking, and dieting is a good thing to replace that.
I obsessively log my food and it makes me not obsessively think of alcohol.

I need to lose weight, so this is a good thing.

I have gained a lot of weight in the past two years.

Drinking makes me extremely lazy and unmotivated to do anything.

I have to remind myself that the first three weeks, and especially the first week is going to be really hard. Every day I will be tormented by my emotions and the guilt will hit me full force.

I plan on reading recovery blogs, utilizing SMART recovery tools, go to a face to face SMART meeting on Thursday and drinking a lot of water.

I will also have sparkling black cherry seltzer and lots of ice on hand.

Walking, swimming, and weights.

Reading books.

I'm also going to fully start the 30 Day Solution program.

No matter what, I will not drink for 100 days.

Stream of thoughts - 100 days of sobriety?

Another day. Not sober, but I won't be getting drunk either. I only have a small amount of alcohol left and my partner will be home early. I don't want to be stupid drunk when they get home.

My alcoholism is causing problems in my relationship. The best relationship I have had.

I need to pick a quit date. I have been reading a lot of sober blogs, and the 100 day thing seems to be a good start. No matter what, no drinking for 100 days.

I have been sober for longish periods in my life. The longest one was 2 years. It was so strange when I picked up again. When I woke up that morning, I had no intentions at all to do so, yet all of a sudden I found myself at the wine store buying my favorite drink.

I wish I could remember more about the days leading up to it, but I can't. Alcohol has damaged my memory.

Benefits

Drinking has saved my life. It has allowed me to relax into being me. It has given me time to just integrate everything. It has allowed me to SEE what I have needed to see. The time I have spent drunk has relaxed me enough to sit down and examine things. It has removed the anxiety enough so I can move ahead in my career. I have been able to just BE and BE productive. 

This sounds crazy I'm sure, and I am not trying to justify anything. I am delving deep into my soul and who I am and now I work in order to heal myself. 

Drinking has allowed me to focus. 

It has also been the death of me when it comes to actually putting it all into a daily practice that will sustain life and liberty.

I am drunk now, and I feel like I can only reach my mind if I am relaxed enough to just sit here and type. 

If I am going to get sober, then I have to find a way to be relaxed enough to live.

What I am feeling in my body right now... is total relaxation. My mind is quiet. I can hear the birds outside. I see the beautiful colors. I can BREATHE. 

When I feel this way, I am able to plan. I have come up with some of my best ideas. 

It also paralyzes me. I can only get so much done if I am drunk. My ideas have taken off.. but I have not been able to realize most of them.

I get this... but I feel if I am ever going to recover, then I have to acknowledge how much benefit I receive from drinking. 

I have to find a way to replace that with something else. 

Suicide Solution.

I'm still not sober. Every day I wake up thinking today will be the day. Well, that's a lie. Every night when I go to bed I wake up thinking I'll get sober, and then I drink.

I don't think I have much more time if I don't stop drinking. 

Insanity. 

Maybe I don't want to live.

Suicide solution. 

How selfish. I have people who love me and I think it will break their heart if I don't stop drinking. It's time to man up. 

I know how much drinking has helped me survive though. It's hard to give that up. 

I can honestly say that without drinking, I would never have been able to chill out enough to dive deep into myself and into my career path. 

..but it's also kept me from succeeding. I think I'm so overwhelmed with life that I can't even imagine being sober for any length of time. I am an infant when it comes to my emotions and ability to cope.

I've got to figure this out because I do want to live.

I want to succeed in my life. I want to forgive myself for everything so I don't keep drinking out of the extreme guilt I experience whenever I am sober for more than 2 days.

First Post: Not sober.

My first post and I'm not even sober. I hate myself. I've hated myself for so long. Decades.

I want to love myself. I am searching and striving to BE what I can be.

I have so much to live for and so much to strive for.

I thought it was a matter of life and death 10 years ago, but I have carried on.

It has to be close to life and death now.

I am scared of seeing my doctor.

I need to make an appointment for blood work, but I am putting it off.

I am almost 50. I've been an alcoholic since the age of 25.

I have so many regrets.

They are killing me. My regrets.

Raising my kids as an alcoholic.

I love and loved them so much, but I was never able to actually BE there for them and stop drinking.

This is part of what kills me today.. and that seems and *IS* so self indulgent.

Every time I stop... I start again because I can NOT stand the all encompassing guilt and hatred I feel for myself.

From the outside, I SEE how crazy this cycle is.