Day 61.

Day 61. It has become 100% apparent to me that one of the biggest reasons I drank was to dull physical pain. I have dealt with autoimmune stuff for years, and I had a bad fall on ice about 3 weeks ago, which is still causing me a lot of pain. Plus, I’m 100 lbs. overweight, and I work on my feet as a chef, so that in itself is hard just because of my weight.

My knee is almost better, but my shoulder and neck and arm on my left side are really fucked up. It’s almost impossible to raise my left arm above my head due to pain. I have to lift very heavy pots with boiling soup daily, so this is a problem.  My left hip area/lower back area is hurting a lot too. Being on my feet all day long really makes that worse.

I caved and took Aleve yesterday; two in the morning and one at night. This really fucks with my stomach, so I have to weigh the lesser of two evils.  Well, it didn’t completely kill the pain, but it lessened it so much that I realized how horrible the pain is.

I have to figure something out. I’m going to make an appointment with my doctor and see if I can get a referral to physical therapy.  I also need to get serious about my weight, which is hard in early sobriety, but it is a quality of life and sobriety issue if it causes me pain. I’m also going to get a referral so I can go back to a Rheumatologist.

I love my job too much to consider something else. I need to be in the kitchen, cooking. It’s what feeds my soul and makes me happy, but if I can’t get my pain under control, I will start drinking for relief, and then I’ll lose my job and my life will snowball into pure hell.

I look back at my past, when I was fully self –employed, and would work super early in the morning so I’d be done by noon or 1. Then I’d buy alcohol and drink myself numb. Both PHYSICALLY and mentally.

For a long time, I have pushed my physical pain aside, and made myself believe it was because of drinking. It’s not. There’s another reason, and if I’m totally honest with myself, I’ve had it since childhood.

Day 35: Willingness

It has been pointed out to me that urges to drink are just feelings and feelings come and go.

The last two days, I've had urges to drink. I realize I need to up the ante and attend face to face meetings. AA, SMART Recovery... anything is better than nothing.

So much of the first month was just getting used to breathing in this world without alcohol. Literally.

I can tell that my sobriety is in danger if I don't create a real life support system.

Willingness in my word of the year.

Willing to go to any lengths to get sober.

Am I? I sure hope so.

I don't know why I'm so reluctant. I went to several meetings before I moved. I am not longer totally overwhelmed by people or overstimulated like I was in the beginning. That's why I had a rough time going then.

I moved Jan. 1st into an apartment. I'm starting a new job in a couple weeks. Things are looking up for sure!

I guess I feel just blah.

..but blah is OK. Sober is always better. Blah sober is awesome actually. So much better than drunk/hungover and so anxious I can barely leave the house.

Day 34.

Day 34. First, thanks for all the birthday wishes!  

Birthdays have been hard for me. Hell, all holidays are hard due to trauma and ptsd from growing up with a psychopathic father.

Yesterday wasn't hard. In fact, I had an amazing experience last night. First, I stayed home and was really happy about that. This is the first birthday where I haven't locked myself in my office and drank until I passed out, plagued with major suicidal thoughts.

I realized last night I felt sad. I was watching This is Us, which is an emotional show, and I just felt this overwhelming sadness. Normally when I feel sad, it immediately turns into intense self loathing and thought of "just kill yourself you stupid fucking bitch."

Last night I realized I just felt sad, with NO self loathing or kill yourself thoughts. And I remembered a couple months ago someone here posting about feeling sad and crying and how that was OK and she just gave herself permission to feel.

I felt sad for a while, but it was a beautiful sad because I wasn't fighting it or hating myself for it or beating myself up for my past mistakes. I laid there in bed, wrapped up in my electric blanket and inhaled my lavender oil and just felt stress start to leave my body.

I am 46 years old and for the first time in my life. I had a glimpse of what real acceptance feels like.

Maybe next year, I will even celebrate my birthday, but if I don't, that's OK too.

Day 27.

Long time no see. I have been sober for 27 days. This is the longest since 2014 when I was sober for 30 days.

Things are different this time. I am taking Naltrexone and it helps so much with my cravings. Sober at 53 introduced to to a very supportive online support group that has been a lifesaver.

I am moving into a new apartment on Monday. I'm looking for a job in the new area I live in.

My mental health is much better and my physical health is starting to come back.

I'm very slowly losing some weight, sleeping better, eating well, and getting some exercise.

I am joining a gym with a salt water pool and hot tub.

I am going to create a simple life in 2018. My goal is to learn how to be content in my own skin and to become a woman of honor and integrity. I want to create balance and peace in my life.

I'm sick of hiding from the world and hating myself.

Day 6

Yep, I went back.

I'm glad I did, because it has led me to a new path of recovery.

I think getting the liver panel results and then being told that it's not a big deal or serious by the doctor gave me permission to drink.

So much has happened in the past month in some ways, but so little has happened in other way.

I won't bore you with the details of the drinking. Same old shit, different day, although my tolerance increased even more. I'm glad I had the sense not to buy full bottles of vodka, because there's a good chance I would have drank myself to death. Those little nips probably saved my life.

I stopped going to my outpatient program. I'm probably going to go back, but I'm not quite sure. I may be starting a job and I need to see if I can do half days at the program.

I had found an amazing counselor. I have also found a new primary care doctor in a community health center that really really understands addiction.

.. and I have starting taking Naltrexone. It's a game changer. I can't believe how different I feel. My obsessive thoughts, cravings, and anxiety is almost completely gone and today is day 4 of the drug.

Sober at 53 reached out to me and told me about this amazing recovery group on Facebook, and I have joined, and it's the fucking bomb. The people are so supportive and I feel like I have a safe place to go at all time.

Day 9 : Liver panel results.

I finally faced my fear of getting the liver panel done.

My enzymes are elevated, but not very much. Most are normal, but my AST was 70 (high end should be 56).

I have an appointment with a new primary care doctor a week from today for a full physical and to discuss the liver results.

The test was done at the hospital where I'm attending OP and Nurse Practitioner was the one to go over the results with me.

I can't tell  you how relieved I am. I have literally spent the past TWO YEARS in fear that I had given myself cirrhosis... and you'd think that fear would be enough to make someone now drink, but it just didn't work that way.

I am learning a lot more about HOW alcoholism is a brain disease. Not a moral failing.

The NP suggested Clonidine for anxiety and PTSD symptoms, so I started taking it yesterday and OMG..  IT WORKS! It reduces adrenaline in your body. I am so grateful that I said yes to it.

The drinking has been my medicine for anxiety and it backfired big time. I even slept a little better last night (I think I got a whole 5 1/2 hours!)

Day 7

Quick check in. I made it a week! My OP is going well.

I'm starting to feel less overwhelmed and more at peace. It is very helpful to be around people who understand.

Day 6

I went to AA before the outpatient program yesterday. I hid in the back. A woman came over and introduced herself to me and gave me her phone number.

I was very overwhelmed and wanted to leave the entire time. 

Then I went to the outpatient program (OP). 

It did not go well. I hate almost every minute of it. I felt so overwhelmed and so overstimulated being around so many people and having to sit there in a chair all day. 

I wanted to leave at lunch and just go get a hotel and drink myself to death.

But I stayed. And then I had my one on one with the therapist and everything was just one big, fat, triggered mess. 

But...  no one said this is easy. 

When I got home around 3:15, I literally felt like I had been run over by a truck. I could barely hold my head up. I felt a level of exhaustion that I rarely feel. 

I had a nightmare last night and then I couldn't fall back asleep for three hours. 

I did not go to AA this morning. I just can't deal with it. I'm supposed to go to a meeting a day in addition to the OP, but I have a feeling there will be on AA today, because based on how I'm feeling now, I can't even imagine being around anyone. 

I am going to my OP program though I am committed to that, and hopefully, tomorrow, I can make the 7 am AA meeting. 

I told my counselor some very deep, dark secrets yesterday. Things I have never told ANYONE. 

I've been shaking ever since. 

The anxiety is so incredibly overwhelming.

I know that this is normal, because at the meeting yesterday, people talked about feeling like this and it will pass.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to go on Naltrexone to help with the cravings and to block my opioid receptors (so that I will not get drunk even if I drink.) 

Day 5

Today is my first day of outpatient treatment. I'm going to hit a 7 am AA meeting before I go. One requirement for IOP (intensive outpatient program) is to attend meetings.

I am not sleeping well, but that's nothing new. I'm hoping sobriety will help with the sleeping issues.

I am feeling better psychologically today. And physically so far, I think.

Yesterday, I literally did nothing expect sit in front of my computer, read, and watch TV. I drank a lot of tea and ate three meals.

I've decided that it's OK. As long as I don't drink, Not drinking is pretty much my only focus right now. If I can get that down, then everything else will fall in place, or I'll have the mental and physical energy to figure things out.

Day 4

I HATE BEING SOBER.

The compulsion to drink is so strong. I just have to get through today, and tomorrow I will be in my first day of outpatient.

I know this feeling is normal.

Today is day 4. Fuck day 4.

I should eat some breakfast. Eating 3 meals a day is key.

I'm going to a women's meeting today at 2 pm.

I didn't go to a meeting yesterday. I laid around all day escaping into my book.

The day is victorious if I stay sober. That's all I have to do.

What a self indulgent fucking pathetic asshole I am.

Day 3 - home.

I stayed at the hospital until around 7 last night. They gave me some medication to calm me down and lower my blood pressure. They gave food and water. I was in the hallway of the ER most of the time. The people were really nice though.

The system is so broken. They finally found me a bed 90 minutes away from where I was. I could not drive myself because I was on the ativan. I spoke with the intake person on the phone and she was totally confused why I was coming when I had been sober for 48 hours. I told her I didn't quite understand myself why.

I asked the ER doctor if he thought I was medically stable enough to go home and he said yes, and that he would give me medical clearance. There needs to be better communication between the outpatient team, because I KNOW FOR  FACT they never said I had to be alcohol free for 4 days. Only that I had to be "sober" and not in withdrawal.

Yesterday, the doctor agreed that I was most likely experiencing panic instead of withdrawal, because even though I was nervous when I walked into the outpatient room, my hands weren't shaking, my heart wasn't pounding, and I was sweating. I became almost instantly hysterical when he told me I couldn't be in the program.

I begged him. I told him I needed this.. that I was scared I would drink if I didn't have this structure today. That I had planned from 3:30 pm that day all through the weekend with structure. He told me to go to detox then, "or just go home this weekend and not drink. - If you can't pull that off you need detox".

My old self would have been like FUCK YOU ASSHOLE... see what happens when I ask for help? ... but I was in such a terrorized place mentally that I really was not sure what I would be capable of if I left and started drinking. My suicidal ideation has been constant over the last month. I think I maybe have drank so much and then went out into dangerous neighborhoods to get someone to beat me up. That's how self destructive I am. Either that or just bypassed the beer all together and chug vodka until I die.

So, I chose life. I chose the ER. I came back to where I'm staying (I'm out of the hotel) and had a kind of decent night sleep (probably due to the ativan). Now I have to take an uber to get my car at the hospital.

I'm going to go to an AA meeting today.

Monday morning at 9, I start the outpatient program. I'll bet the guy thinks he will never see me again. I wasn't rude to him or anything, I was just out of my mind hysterical.

Detox

Well, I was not allowed into the program. They said I needed to be sober for 4 days. I freaked out and started crying. He said I needed to either be medically cleared by detox services or go home and not drink all weekend and come back Monday.

I got so pissed and discouraged... But I decided to so the detox thing. Because I didn't feel safe going home. I went into a horrific mental space and thought I might hurt myself.

So, I'm on the ER waiting for detox services people to show up.
I am serious about getting sober. In the past o would have been reactive and drank. Not this time. If you don't here from me for a couple days that's why.
I thought being sober for 38 hours would have been ok.

Day & 1st day of outpatient treatment.

I managed to stay sober yesterday. It was not a good day. I am so depressed. It is chemical and situational, but I keep reminding myself of the scientific reasons my brain is freaking out. It's going to take a long time for me to feel better on a physiological level.

The withdrawal and panic was so bad yesterday. I feel better today withdrawal wise.

It's 5:30 AM and I'm leaving at 7 for my first day of outpatient treatment. I'm also checking out of the hotel - $1300 later. oy. The last week has been important for me, so it is what it is.

I have a potential really exciting business/community project that I really want to pursue, but I know nothing will get done unless I get sober. I was supposed to meet with my potential partner today and then again on Monday, but that is not going to be possible. I was freaking out about what to tell her, so I almost just told her the truth. She knows about my break up situation and I told her that I need to spend the next several weeks getting myself some mental health treatment to work through some personal things. SHE WAS SO SUPPORTIVE.

I am so mentally and physically exhausted. I get an average of 4 hours of sleep a night if I'm lucky. The health issue I'm dealing with also causes some exhaustion and depletion, then add the alcoholism to that.. wow. Bodies are amazing. I have trashed mine for so long.

My SIL and I are going to start a super healthy eating regime this weekend. I'm going to do all the cooking for both of us. I have, however, given myself permission to have a pint of Ben and Jerry's Pumpkin Pie ice cream when I make it to a week sober.

I'm going to be saving so much money not drinking. Around $400-500/month. Holy shit. I have put a lot of it on credit cards. I'm going to have a little bit of a mess on my hands to deal with, but as long as I'm sober, I can face life.

Day 1.

UUGGGHHH. I'm so hungover and in withdrawal. I'm at the hotel. Tomorrow is the first day of the program. Today is my Day 1 AGAIN. I know if I drink today, I will not go tomorrow. So, I'm sucking it up and dealing with it.

I can do this. I'm drinking tons of chamomile tea and trying to eat.

I feel like I should be in detox. I will find out tomorrow when I go to my first day if I'm stable enough to start without detox first. I've felt like this before and have been OK..  I know a lot of it is electrolyte imbalance and major dehydration, so I'm going to get some nu-salt and mix it with water and my magnesium powder, and focus on drinking a lot of water, tea and maybe some grape juice over ice.

I almost went and got alcohol, but I ate instead and so far have drank 6 cups of water and two cups of tea and I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better.

Feeling so hopeful.

Omg, I had the BEST phone conversation with Sober at 53 yesterday! She reached out to me the other night and gave me her phone number, and I finally got the nerve to actually call her. We had a great talk about sobriety and drinking and what I'm going through and what she has gone through, but then something even more amazing happened. She is pursuing a dream (in the process of it now) that I am trying to pursue as well. I actually met with a woman last week who would be the other part of this in my case and it was amazing to realize that my hopes and dreams are still SO ALIVE. And that I have so much to live for. I have to much to offer this world, but I can't do it unless I am sober. PERIOD.

After the conversation, I felt really happy and I did not drink very much at all. In fact, since I've been in the hotel (since Friday) I have drank MUCH less than I planned.

The counselor yesterday asked me if I remembered what it was like for me when I was sober for the two years, and I do remember it. I struggled a lot (but I think it's because I was doing it 100% on my own). But I also accomplished so much during that time. I taught myself new skills, furthered my career. I kept commitments. I felt free. I will never forget the summer of 2010. I started to make friends again. I socialized. I pursued my dreams. I spent a lot of time at the ocean, breathing in the salt air. I was healing.

Life can be like that again. I am going to create a good support system for myself. I have a place to live for the time being that isn't ideal, BUT, it is a place I can live rent free and a place where I can not drink. I have friends who love me. I have family who loves me.

I am really happy I am in the hotel, because I feel like I'm at home. I needed to come to that realization. This feels like home to me because I have spent so much time in this particular hotel chain when I traveled with my X. The money is money I don't have to spend, but it's giving me peace of mind right now, and instead of paying a full months rent, I'm paying $1300 for the week. It is what it is.

Assessment

I went to the assessment. It went well.I was totally honest. I will be starting and intensive outpatient program on Friday. It's at least two weeks long, maybe longer. I will also be seeing the counselor I saw today once a week in addition tot he program. I have an appointment with him Monday.

I feel totally relieved. I checked out of the hotel, but then booked another one for the next three days.

I'm going to try to cut back/detox slowly over the next three days. If that doesn't work, I promised them I'd call their detox crisis team and go to detox. I have to go "home" Thursday.

It's very foolish of me to have spent $1000 this week on a hotel.

I don't really care. I really don't.

My 100% focus right now needs to be on me getting sober and into recovery. (I'm not foolish enough to think that the hotel is part of that..  I'm hoping I can get my shit together enough to slowly wean off the alcohol over the next three days.

A huge reason I'm staying in the hotel is because this is the hotel chain that my partner and I always stayed in... and I used to travel with him for work, so it feels like a second home to me. We stayed here when he worked, any time we traveled, and on all of our vacations. I miss being with him and I miss feeling like I have a home, and this feels like home to me.

Sad but true. It's a very expensive "home".

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow I go to my substance abuse intake. I am going to be 100% honest and beg for help.

I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I'm still at the hotel, but I'm actually not drinking as much as I thought I was going to. I suppose that's a good thing. I'm still drinking more than most people would ever dream of. I'm on my 6th high alcohol beer, and I have an entire 5th of vodka. There's no way in hell I'll even come close to drinking that today. I have to leave by 11:30 am tomorrow. 

I feel so gross and dehydrated. I am craving healthy food. I've been living off of cheese, arugula, and crackers since Friday, and only eating that after I am done drinking, which was around 7 pm yesterday. 

I think this particular substance abuse counseling might offer an outpatient program. I hope it does. I need something. I need structure. I am probably in need of detox. I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow. 

Insanity.

Is this my bottom? I hope so.

I got so sick of not drinking and being around people that I checked into a hotel for 3 days. I check out Monday morning and have an substance abuse intake appointment on Monday afternoon.

I just spent $600 on the hotel and alcohol. I also bought some food so I don't have to leave at all.

I remember doing something similar to this years ago. I checked into a hotel for 3 days and I was so fucking suicidal.

I am somewhat suicidal now, but I won't overtly kill myself. I doubt I will kill myself from drinking either.

I don't have the money to do this. I put it on my credit card. I have around $4000 credit card debt I've wracked up in the past year. A lot of the money is from alcohol.

No one knows that this is my life. No one. Only me. I'm so lonely and alone.

It's my fault. 100% my fault. I have no one to blame buy myself.

Alcoholism is a lonely disease. I don't want to drag other people into it, so I isolate myself 100%.

At least I can be honest here.

I went for three straight days this week without drinking. I was starting to feel better.

Fuck.

Y.E.T.

My partner and I have broken up. A lot of it had to do with drinking.

I'm still drinking.

They have a saying in AA: It hasn't happened YET.

Yet = You're Eligible Too.

I have said I knew my drinking would destroy my relationship and it did.

On the other hand, the relationship was not healthy. My partner also has addiction issues and they were a big problem as well. 

It's a blessing in disguise we are not together.

I had an unexpected health scare around the time we were breaking up (not related to drinking). 

I am waiting to see if they will be treating it with a rather large surgery or a more minor one.

I am in flux. I am staying with my sister for the time being because I don't know what is happening with my medical treatment.

I have an apartment/roommate situation lined up as soon as my health situation allows it. 

One thing that I'm coming to terms with is that I was actually RELIEVED when I thought I had cancer. The thought of dying of cancer felt like a way out. 

That is really mentally ill. I am very mentally ill.

I went to the ER about a month ago for alcohol withdrawal. I was trying to get into a detox, but they were full for DAYS and I kept drinking because they were full and I would go a day or two and the withdrawal would get so bad that I drank out of fear for my health. My blood pressure was spiking and my heart rate was spiking.

At my ER visit, I was totally honest with people and the nurses were so kind. The doctor was not. The doctor told me that I was not in alcohol withdrawal and that if I was I'd know it. Even though my blood pressure was 179/110 when I got there. He said I was having a panic attack. They gave me a valium and my blood pressure/heart rate went down and they sent me home in three hours. The nurse was visible pissed at the doctor. She told me not to let this discourage me from getting help and said i was brave for coming in. 

I was 100% honest with the amount I drink with the DR. I am SHOCKED that he didn't think I was in withdrawal. 

I have FINALLY be totally honest with my medical providers about my alcoholism and how much I drink. I figured they better have ALL of the information. 

I am broken. Homeless. Alone. Jobless. 

and it's all my own doing. 

On the other hand, I have support from my family. Of course, they don't know about the drinking. I should tell them.

I have reached out to a outpatient treatment center and am waiting on the admitting process so I can begin to conquer this. 

My sister has been out of town, so I've been drinking, but once they get back, there's no way I can drink. 

Not only do I have the support of my family, I have enough money to get by for a while and once I know what surgery/recovery time will be, I can take care of that issue and then move into my roommate situation and pick up my career from there. 

But none of this will be doable if I am drinking.

I also need to confront the dark demon of wanting to die. 

My plan is to get my sobriety/emotional/physical health on track for the next several months and then tackle like once I have the skills.

I am broken. I am in infant. I don't even know how to walk anymore. 

Good morning.

I have been fighting this awful headache for 4 days. It's been coming and going, and gets worse as the day goes on. It's on one side of my head, but is not a migraine. It's frustrating because it's interfering with my sleep.

I have started my day, but realize that I need to eat breakfast soon. I also need to figure out a plan for later today because I will be on the road around lunch time. If I bring a protein shake and some fruit, I should be OK. It would be better if I didn't bring any money with me (well, I always carry a joint credit card for emergencies, but I never use it to buy alcohol because my partner and I share the account.)... although I do need some money because I am driving by Trader Joes, and I like to stock up. Maybe I'll just bring enough cash for what I need.

Oh, I just remembered, I committed to going swimming with my partner this afternoon after work. Duh..  that will make it so I don't buy alcohol.

One of the things I'm focusing on is following through with commitments. I'm sick of letting everyone down all the time.

Day two really leads up to me feeling antsy. I usually start to feel much better on day 3 and then I magically forget why I'm trying to be sober and I drink on day 4.

I just need to stay sober today. It is great not to wake up hungover.